-i'm.SO.miss-understood. -shikayeproductions.
Sigh....
navigations are the words.
This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.
+ Cheng Wee Chuan William
+ Yu Neng Primary School
+ Bedok South Secondary School
+ Ngee Ann Polytechnic
+ Republic of Singapore Navy
+ zazooosg@hotmail.com
+ 08/10/1989
+ Libra
Monday, December 31, 2007
finally got home and i feel like stomach upset wif wad ever i had yesterday....
oh well... weird... its the third consecitive day i havent slpt and i dun feel tired at all...
well i did took a nap at my bros place... it was nice to see him again...
his place is the one place i noe i'm always welcome even at the worst timing..
...be4 i go on back track abit...
IT NEW YEARS EVE, well now its new years day...
well everyones filled wif plans and all...
and for me its the same thing...
all alone...well it doesn't really matter though... but at that moment i really wanted some company...
at least hoping someone who ask me go along or sumtin...
coz everyone technically disappeared... the people i asked dun even wanna go out de or they are working or sumtin...
well then was chatting wif ck... and he kept insisting on going eski even though he was budget...
well was going there anyway if no plans... except i was there to see some frens wish them happy new year or sumtin...
well while chatting wif ck... he sometimes really pisses me off...
omg how cheapo can a person get?
there are proper ways to save and budget...
but getting ur fren to ask a pub where everyone ther was his frens whether can bring ur own alcohol there to drink?
please use some brains...
plus even though frens also priviledge got limit de wor...
and today wont be any different from anyother day...
or worst today definately can't....
anyway... after that he went to call qh, jf they all... and well we tagged along....
starting was okie i guess... they finished drinking and all...
doesn't really matter to me... i was juz looking for company for new years eve....
after the countdown,..
they wanted to head down eski...
so we headed there...
well it aint easy to get table for 13 people...
we finally got a table...
hold it for so god damn long...
and guess wad?
the best thing of the nite happened....
they left... only left me qh, jf and ck....
kinda a spoiler...
at that moment.... i actuclly wondered... hmmm is it becoz i tagged along?
anyway... had a couple of drinks... then decided to head back...
jf dad was on his way to fetch him... and well i decided to take the train...
well i noe tampines aint convinient plus it not nice to always hitchhike people...
was thinking where to go... wanted to go ECP.... haf some quiet time and finish the 2 bottles i brought out...
but heres the problem....
no transport...
so i headed down my bros place.....
that was roughly wad happen yesterday bah....
a few things that really left a pretty good memory wif me yesterday...
when i left eski... i said bye to my frens there... and for the first time since ever....
i recieved a few hugs, and even a kiss on the cheek from dex... hahaz well might sound gay... but hey we'r not...
anyway... a simple hug really can make a person feel warmth and for the first time in a long while... feels like the whole world loves ya...
well... be4 i go on... i wanna apologies to some frens... over some things i said over sms...
well i was kinda feeling crappy and wasn't thinking stright... and well... while at my bros place... i couldn't slp so was looking thru my sms... and while some things she said kinda hit me...
welll even thoughj i try so hard to keep in touch wif people whom i care about...
they still haf their own life to live... and i'm not the only person around people....
i shlan't be selfish and demand attention from they everytime...
i shld learn to take care of myself....
she said i shld learn to be stronger in emotion...
well...maybe shes rite... maybe thats the reason people left me...
ya noe i used to tot myself as a perfectionist...
wanting perfection for everything...
but lately i lost my way...
i lost my way in the way i think... they way i act... the way i live,...
i need to find my old self back... but aint i suppose to change?
people tell me i shldn't cling onto the past...
i shld find a new self...
sometimes... theres juz so many things i wanna tell my frens...
but then its either they are not free not around... not there... or when i do talk to them,... i seem to haf nothing to say....
its like sometimes i wanted company... but at the saem time i wanna be left alone...
maybe i just wanted attention... attention i dun deserve....
anyway... i tot of her again...
well feels like even though i went through hell for her....and that she ditched me and all...
i seem to wan her back...
maybe it was the things i did that made her left...
well i doubt i'll be given any more chances wif her le...
but still i dunno... i juz wanna find her...
...bahx.... i shldn't think that way... i shld juz leave her behind me... like she left me behind...
well a guy like me...dun deserve anybody...
i got nothing good on me...
but even so she accepted me for who i am at that time... even though things changed...
thats something i'll always rememeber bahx...
but wads past is the past le... no point bringing them up... things wont change any bit...
on my way home today... was constantly thinking of the thigns my frens said...
and i kinda look at myself...
i'm really lost... as in i really lost all my aim, my way of life...
i used to be veru optimistic wif things... but now looking at the true facts of life...
its changed...
i was to haf high expectation of my future...
but then my future is the same as anyone else...
i wanted to achieve so many things... but its all become impossible...
guess they are rite when they say one shld be satisfied wif wad they haf...
since i cant rely on others but myself...
i shld try to pick myself up again...
first thing is to settle my money issue...my physical fitness issue...
next is to work on my sch work... top 19 aint enuff...honestly i dun even deserve that place... it was juz luck...
then last comes my career... though i noe my career wont bring me any where much,... but i noe i can survive and fend for my family....
haiz... nvm i will leave all that to another day....
i feel i'm not up to it yet....
william
7:20 PM
Sunday, December 30, 2007
lalala.....once again awake... its now 5.15am...
in 15 min time i think i'm gonna lights out and stone in the dark act slping...
well coz 5.30 my parent wakes up...
and kinda dun wan them see me everyday liddat...
its bad enuff... i'm i cant manage myself... i dun wan them to feel upset over me...or sumtin... hmmm i wonder would they anot... bleh...wad am i thinking zzz...
zzz well couldn;t slp... then juz stare com and well decided to start out ont he report for my IPD project 2 and well kinda 3/4 le... i think.... actuclly more like half coz the last part bout the configuration thing is kinda long...
honestly i think my report is kinda crappy... dunno if it'll work... well my team is counting on me...
i cant let them down...
well if any of them dun do well... it'll be my fault...
my project one i guess i already partly failed my team already...
even though they managed to settle the things...
enuff bout that...
i still got a presentation to do... and honestly i haf no idea how and where to begin...
zzz dun wan talk bout it le...
honestly this sem i no longer noe if i can make it...
i'm starting to feel like i'm gonna screw up...
i mean i always did screw up major things... and thx to luck i made it thru... this time round feels as if luck left me to die already...
haiz...
ya noe everywhere i turn i looked at things there always sumtin that makes me gloomy...
either that or i'm troubled wif things...
i think if sg has guns i would haf shot my useless brain dead... least i'd rest in peace...
well sadly, everyone seems to be really busy lately...
out of 10 person i talked to only 1 replied...
well cant blame them though...
well i guess i'm being really troublesome lately...
hahaz hmmm maybe its the way i am thats why people from my past all left me?
well honestly i feel bad disturbing people too...
it spoils peoples mood too lol
hmmm okie i shld haf myself settle my own problems...
and do wad i do best around people...
put a big smile and juz be that nice guy they noe and see me...
people shldn't be worrying bout me and my problems...
dun think anyone is worrying but thats besides the point...
i shldn't trouble anyone around me..
anyway ya noe its so true humans like to believe in things that dun exist... putting hope in sumtin that cant be reached...
from young till old its always like that...
then in the end gets disappointed wif life...
but then if ya look at the way i think... where ya accept the fact that life kinda has no permenent meaning... so wad if i earn big money... so wad if i did well in exams... in conclusion ya got to lose it all...
nvm... i dun wanna write anymore le....yesterday that post is too long... crapped too much... but then i dunno i still feel its true...
this week itself i slpt less than 48 hrs already...
i'm so screwed...
zzz
now my mind is juz filled wif too many things especially my damn project...
ya noe its a weird thing...
ya happy when ya see people around gets happy and all that... but then ya start to ask yaself... why cant ya be like that?
hahaz maybe thats jealousy...
so technically ur happy and unhappy wif things that happen to people?
lol then people will tell u one day u'll get wad is urs...
but then i dunno... now i dun see the point of putting that hope... wad if ur not meant to get that?
i dun wanna disappoint myself already,... i already felt bad enuff when i first get a major setback...
if i get another i think i cant handle it already...
it doesn't matter anymore... i'd juz wake up everyday... finish everyday... and wake up another day...
eat and slp... work out do wad is needed drink my ass off and wait for my day to end? of coz finish wad needs to be done...
hahaha... maybe i'm juz too tired to hold myself together already,....
i'd be fine i promise... i think...
actuclly i dunno....
nvm...
1:12 PM
Saturday, December 29, 2007
haiz sianz.... 6 plus in the morning and guess wad... i'm still awake...
wad started as a peaceful pretty relax day end up... becoming sleepless and same old thing all over...
when the nite comes it really changes things...
dead silence...
close all the lights...
its juz u alone...
quiet...
tried sleeping....
guess it didn;t really work...
or maybe i slpt too much today already?
well at times... do really wanna call up a fren or sumtin...
but then.... looking at the time...
they are probably asleep...
and i dun wanna bother them and disturb their slp...
rather it be me being alone...
then making people losing slp and suffer wif me....
ya noe i really wonder wad the future holds for me...
really doubt it...
partly afraid of it...
i can see myself being more alone then ever...
i mean yes i am independent and all...
but it juz i dunno... i dun like it?
plus being alone without reason or meaning to anything or do anything is like living in a world, an empty world...where when ur better off dead and it makes no difference
by the time... everyone would haf their own things to occupy them...
they would haf left everything behind them...
its either they give up the world, their frens for their bf/husband/ gf and wives... or money... or career...
what happen to all the we'll keep in touch, frens 4ever, i'd never forget u...
ya noe when we were all small...
we all think things will nv change...
but now even though still young alot haf changed already...
i've lost almost most of my best frens and close frens...
dun say all those tat we juz met...
time really kills alot of things...
time even physically kills people...
everyday is like a day closer to ur death...
who noes when...
well was talking to my uncle...
and well talking bout last time wad he went thru and all..
and mind u he aint some old guy hahaz..
anyway... seeing him... i really wonder will i become like that too...
where ur frens leave u one by one...
till ya technically ha to past everyday and nite wif urself...even on occasion...
well maybe becoz of that, i'd give up slp, or even anything(not everything) to help any of my frens...
or let them noe i'm always here...
sumtin like so they wont leave me?
well maybe thats the reason...
well usually i'd say, i'll do anything to help my frens...even though they might not do the same for me..becoz i treasure them... and becoz that me, thats how i work?
but is that true...
i no long noe wad is true wad is not...
this world is juz screwed up some how...
i noticed... i've been asking alot of what and why...
reason and meaning....
its like asking alot of queastion that no answer can be found...
well maybe my language sucks thats why no one can understand me... and give me an answer...
am i really like that?
or am i doing it for a motive...
do i do things for motive... like wad my fren said bout some people...
but then wad motives do i haf?
why do i do things for a motive...sometimes a motive which i cant or will not wan?
hmmm wad the heck am i asking or saying...
maybe i shld juz not waste time bout all this... and juz live life not thinking...
like some robot... do and finish work and forfil objective...
sometimes.. i feel like 2 person...
one person or one face when i;m wif people...
and another when i;m alone...
i love to socialize yet i hide my self in darkness and silence when i'm alone...
i think and solve things for myself and people around me...lead and all that when i'm around people...
but then feel so lost when i'm alone...
hahaz... well conclusion...
i'm jzu another useless soul on the face of the universe...
i failed in alot of things...
now i think i'm gonna fail in life...wads worst then living a life not noeing why... and the meaning and reason to ur existence...
well technically i failed in almost everything bahx...
i screwed up the club in my cca now...
why would people leave if u did a good job.... obviously i screewed up thats why things screwed up rite...
even back in sec sch... even though i climbed the ranks...
go for so many courses...
honestly...i feel i climbed the ranks not becoz of myself...
maybe they were rite... it was becoz of some things wif my sis and all...
and all the course... was i selected becoz i was good or did i go becoz my fren suggested my name...honestly i think i feel i suck up...
i screwed up my o levels... well its a lie that i did well and went poly...
obviously when u see the points i get u noe i screwed up...
in psle... so wad if i went express...
wif 200 points... i'm technically a no body.... people hear this and they'll go on saying sure is the sch standard low thats why...
even back in kindagarden...
i finally got the courage to try out for a lead role in the play... and i froze on the aduition...
plus even now in poly... so wad if i were top 19..
did i do well on my own or was it becoz of the tips teacher give...
well used to think that i was lucky thats why...
but i guess now my lucks run dry,...
so even though i achieve so many things... i doubt it aint all true...
even she left me...
well my bro say heck care... why care for some one who dun care...
but then is it true that she dun care?
well one thing she said to me i remembered clearly...
she gave me alot of chances/time already...
i remember getting so upset that i ask her to give me more time... i'd change...
but well think back even though i noe changing wont help any bit...
well i guess i failed to noe her... failed to keep her happy?
when people ask me wad am i good at ... i tell ya i dunno and i aint good at anything...
think back when people say i did something good...
i think thats becoz they brought down the expectation of things...
i'm juz a freaking no body who dun deserve anybody...
well i could haf done alot of things better...
i doubt i will or i can in the future...
its always the same thing...
ya noe all the more i write the more screwed up i feel....
hahaz wad a joke... some fat useless guy whining bout life... in front of a com... typeing to a dead thing who dun even reply...
maybe i'd juz kill myself or maybe give my life for sumtin or sumtin
least it'll end all the frastration bout all this...
hmmm that sound so foolish...
yes yes people will tell me dun think that way... think open, think happy...
well tried that...
and yes i noe the future is a long way...
who noes ya might do sumtin big, meet the rite one...and all those
well my guess is in future ii'd work my ass off... and die working...
or sell my life off...serving sumtin... living and spending and die lonely hahaz...
well people will tell me why think like that...
coz lifes like that...
and yes i might find that someone and all...
but then i dunno, it doesn;t matter anymore...
if i do find good for me...
but i doubt i'd bring myself to it...
she can find someone better off...
ya noe every freaking sentence i;m writing here... in my mind its a warzone...
its like one tells u no its not true... blah blah blah...
the other juz goes like yes its true...
its how u think and how u feel...
damn man, i'm seriously useles...
cant even think stright and feel stright...
okie think positive...
hmmm yes life is great...
ya will succeed...
hmmm but why is there a feeling of doubt...
sometimes i really hate myself...
arghh... nvm....
if everyone i type can earn money...
i'd be rich already...
coz i crapped too much...
not like anyone will actuclly bother reading all the way anyway...
coz its juz full of crap...
imagine a person who cant even convince himself... or even hold himself together for a nite and slp...
hahaz...
i think sometimes i say one thing feel another... and thinks another...
but definately act another...
i act according to wads right and wrong...
i think...
okok forget it..
i shld juz stop...
its getting no where but worst...
i shld be dead for the things i did...
plus i think maybe thats why now i'm like crap...
i'm a jerk... an asshole..
fuked... its juz something i cant forgive myself... and i cant say it out...
guess somethings ya juz haf to live wif it till the day u die...
whether ya learn ur lesson or not...
thats sumtin why i cant bring myself to find any gf not even the rite one coz they dun deserve a guy like me...
i guess i'm the one who screwed up my life... now or the past or even maybe the future...
its going no where...
juz end it...
hmmm ever wonder wads life after death?
lol sumtin ben talk to me bout the other day...
wad if it all repeat...
lol if thats true... it sure suck...
william
get things done boy...
or people will screw up becoz of u...
1:57 PM
Friday, December 28, 2007
zzz wasted half a day slping...
well not that its not good... juz i dunno... sleeping kinda makes me feel like time wasted,
juz like traveling to sch...
lol maybe then i shld haf went RP, its juz an hr trip...
or even better TP lol 15 min trip =P
but oh well if i do pick another sch then... thing would haf been different...
might be better might be worst...
anyway...
haben slpt in 2 days...
and finally able to slp like a pig...
its a good thing =P
but then slpt so long become damn tired...
hmmm sch starting soon, means alot of things need to look into and rush le...
my I&E, IPD, BTT, my back de checkup(dunno if i still going anot..its feels okie but sometimes feels weird... someone pls tell me whether i shld go anot), well and also some money issue to settle...
things juz pile up...
kinda sian... but well wad to do... got to solve them bit by bit no matter how slow the proccess is..
it can be solved...
well like something my uncle tot me...
if it can be done, why worry?, juz do it...
if it cant be done, why worry?, theres nothing ya can do bout it...
well true... but hey aint easy to pick up a habit or a pratice juz by listening ya noe...
now a days society is mostly based on cash...
and now that everything goes up, everyones tight...
ya got abit extra ya help those around ya...
but when ur tight... kinda hard to find people to help ya out lol
coz everyone is as tight as ya...
ya noe maybe recently all my down time is becoz of all this trouble eh?
maybe things will get better once they are solved...
first thing first, got to quickly settle the IPD project, coz i got a teammate relying on this project to help her pass the module...
then next need settle the I&E, well hopefully my leader noes wad his doing... coz well i'm lost..
then at the same time got to save up money return my fren asap, and of coz my insurance...
i mean like i noe in 2 weeks time money issue will definately be settled but it aint nice to drag things so long especially for ur own frens.. =)
hmmm other things is temporaryon hold...
coz if i were to do them all at once... once again i'll be back to square one...
somemore at times like this... when everyone is busy wif their things... it aint nice to trouble people or find people to entertain, accompany ya...
but on the contrar, i'm always open to my frens and loved ones... =) anytime whether i'm busy or not hahaz... thats juz me...
time really flies... so fast its gonna be end of the year 2008 le...
well i guess all the more we shld treasure the time and people around us...
coz who noes in a blink of an eye ur in the late half of ur life already...
hmmm anyway going abck to do my things le...
will be back to write more...
wiliam
feeling pretty light today =)
11:31 PM
Thursday, December 27, 2007
another sleepless nite... this time at least i wasn;t home...
well could't really slp so kinda went cycling and met ben and his gf see sunrise...
kinda feel abit extra...
anyway be4 i go on back track abit
well yesterday met derrick, arif, ben his gf and ck for dinner...
the after noon was pretty much boring... aguing wif teamates regarding projects lol
they all joker zzz
anyway... met for dinner, was abit late, then me derrick and arif was there waiting for the rest to turn up...
well we had dinner and kinda chat abit...
then after that we head over arif's place, played xbox 360,
well ck was whinning and all about wanting to play guitar hero 2...
and well we played DOA, then after that change played guitar hero 2,
was pretty fun...
then later that nite, when we had to leave...
ck kept wanting to play somemore..
at first he say wanna finish sweet child of mine...
but the went on to play other song...
i see my bro arif was abit unhappy... as in too sian to say anything le..
well after that took bus 10 back...
reached home...
since i couldn't really slp, or dun feel like it...
went to fix up my bike and speed down to tenah merah met ben and his gf...
its pretty nice to cycle at nite.. very peaceful and all...
i dunno why but i seem to feel at ease when in the dark...
anyway... we cycle all the way to ECP,
cycle up and down kill time, waiting for sunrise
sat at bedok jetty, talk alot of crap there...
was talking about theory and laws...
ben was there arguing that those are created by people thus can be broken...
well kinda true but technically impossible...
i mean like ben is thinking too imaginative le...
lol shall save the details.. anyone wanna noe wad he talk about find me hahaz shall not embaress him here...
well by 5 plus 6 we were at the lower end of ECP...
sitting at one of those rocks...
waiting for the sun to rise..
and it did except we only see part of it due to the clouds..
well honestly i felt kinda extra and like a freaking big light bulb...
then i noticed... i seem to always go out wif couple de..
kinda like body guard liddat...
maybe thats wad i'll be even in the future...
seeing the calm sea and the sun rise kinda made me remembered some things...
but like i said be4 since i already put it behind me i shall not talk bout it...
made me kinda unhappy seeing things around me...
hahaz kinda felt like jealousy, unfairness..
hahaz guess i'm still childdish...
got to grow out of it...
well after that we head back...
this was one of the slowest cycle i ever had to ECP....
well technically thats my adventure for the nite...
later still need head down CCK....
guess i wont haf time to rest or slp le...
shall rot here... till 12...
well was reading up some of my previous post...
and well...
kinda tot that wadever i tot and write was kinda like... not rite...
but then at the same time kinda felt it was rite...
zzz
well i guess i'm juz having some down time..
stress and all...
kinda getting sick of it and all...
but then... i got to stop all those...
maybe i shldn't even be writing them here le...
i mean like people read le... will start to haf negative thinking of me...
and welll who noes might make close frens drift further...
at the moment juz feel abit lost , tight, insane....and all that... no reason why... i;m also looking for the reason...
and well kinda feel like everything is meaningless...de feeling...
but then life goes on...
guess i'll await tml...
and pray and hope it will be a better day...
got to stand up on my own... or die trying...
hahaz well actuclly all this feels kinda like i'm already dead... kinda makes no diff...
talking bout that it remind me...
ben asked... if the force i;m serving is having a war wif a force that my fren or family is in and i see them in the battlefield, would i shoot them...
i gave it a tot... and replied...
i will...
coz its either they shoot me or i shoot them,....
and that since i'm serving the force that i;m in, i swore alligence to it already...and i shall uphold my word...
he went on to say, wad if its arif...
i gave it a long tot...
i'd said... i will...still do it...
he said i'm heartless...
then i told him...
even if i did it... he wouldn;t blame me... coz he noes and understand me and the reason for me to do wad i do...
but still i really dunno or i really dun wish that situation to come...
am i really heartless?
maybe those words i said when i;m in the real situation things change...
argghhh i dunno... and i dun wanna think about it...
makes me feel way more depress than i already am...
i think if i really did shoot them... i'd shoot myself too...
maybe i shld realy be shooting myself already....
hahaz i am heartless... i dun deserve the people around me...
besides that... he also asked, wad if life is juz a cycle, even after u die, ur reborn to the same things...
honestly i dunno and dun care le,
when i person is born, or even be4 its born, its already set to die...
so technically i;m a dead man walking...
hahaz
zzz anyway i feel damn bad now... as indue to some things that came up... i'm short on certain things that my dad had to provide me for now...
all thx to some screw up...
shall not say any detail here,.. cant blame anyone anyway...
i really hae owein things...
anyway lets juz dun talk bout all this le, hahaz todays a beautiful day lets not spoil it shall we...
hmmm wads shall i do today...after meeting my team...
zzz i'm like living a aimless life sia...
haiz...
sibei sian...
nvm go listen music and lay on bed and stone...
hahaz
not to self pls smack out of it and be more optimistic..
zzz
hahaz wif love,
william
take care all my frens...
6:21 PM
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
hey back to post...
been bored, troubled, sleepless lately...
but oh well still alive and well..
ya noe i hate it when i had alot to write and i forget wad i wanted to write...
anyway a little bout today...
well yesterday slpt pretty late...
then this morning woke up real early made a nice breakfast for myself...
then head off to meet my bro arif and his fren for a swim...
swim a few laps and kinda relac there...
then later head home watch movie and all...
then after dinner...
went out meet jf and qh..
kinda slack outside talk and all...
i really love hanging out wif them...
can talk bout anything and well they more or less understand and kinda think similarly..
then after that head home...
reached home... got the same feeling like ytd nite, cant slp feeling...
then went to do some workout...
then shower and poof back here writing this...
well thats about wad happens today bahx..
recently trying to sort out alot of things...
sometimes stay at home really feel like going to explode kinda crazy...
juz constantly trying to occupy myself...
well some things i noe i can sort out,... juz the feeling is driving me crazy... like i dun like to owe people things... and when i do... i feel really bad... and it kinda haunts me everyday...
oh well beside that... i also dun like to do things halfway...
lol now thinking of project also...
kinda worried bout one of my teamates..
well those are juz some things thats going thru my mind daily...
sometimes i feel like a machine...
constantly need process things... i see things i think of things...
sch starting gotta to start work on sch works..
hmmm then also thinking bout my own physical fitness...
i'm still too darn weak...
too dun overweight...
need push, push limits...
its like i'm too darn weak for anything...
theres so many things i noe i can do...
and when i see people around me who juz take things for granted or peoplewho live in their own little world...
makes me wanna smack them wake up...
people who born wif things... and dun cherish...
pls people pls wake up...
honestly i'm beginning to not noe myself...
trying to understand so many things... but everything seems to contridict one another...
feels like i'm lost... searching for answer and meaning to my life here..
is life only about solving things and living things by the days?
lol that reminded me of that tarot card reading...
they advise me to search for my balance... leave the old and change for the new...
i'm trying and i dun noe where and how...
feels darn lost...
i think i grew over her already... i think i haf...
i mean i wan to move on and move out of it..
but then why do i cling on to that piece of painful memory?
hahaz constantly locking myself in seclusion filled wif music and darkness... feels at peace...
if only human brains work like a PC.... format and everything is done...
or defrag the memory or sumtin...
well i try to live thru everyday achieving wad i can for the day...
but then things is starting to become different from wad i believed last time...
why?
now i doubt the things i believed in...
i used to tell myself... reflect myself...
and live everyday to the "fullest" achieving wad i can from it...
now i seem to look at it differently...
kinda like no aim... even though i see the path i walk on...
or the choices that i might wan to make in the near future...
wad am i saying...
nvm....
one day i'll find the answer...to everything...
someone pls juz guide me or walk wif me...
i dunno wads happening... and i wanna talk to people and i dun haf things to say...
hahaz well to my frens who was wif me today...
all this has nothing to do wif anything today...
its juz everytime i feel i wanna write some things i juz do it... coz who noes the answer migth juz come to me....
william...
i'll always look out for the ones i loved and care about be it fren or foe..
9:52 AM
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
merry christmas to ya all =)
well this year its slightly different from how i usually pass my christmas..
went to a frens place for a party, steamboat gathering =P
was really nice to see everyone after such a long time.
had some gift exchange and all..
hopefully who ever got my gift is please wif it lol coz i got a cup pretty cute cup, sheep and all =P
after dinner i went over to boat quey to meet another fren,
went to chill out at my usual place,
well there the party only starts at 4 in the morning..
so kinda sat there from 9pm to 4 =P
had quite heavy dosage of drinks...
then party was like free flow and all..
well was abit troubled though,
now stressing bout some money issue,
kinda due my policy payment le, but that can wait...
i shld haf enuff, but then kinda now owe my fren quite a big sum,
partly becoz my fren who joined us didn't had cash on him..
so screwed, now either i wait 2 weeks for my next allowance, or hopefully my frens return me my money soon..
so far things are still manageable, juz i really dun like to owe people things... i dun feel good at all..
so everything else aside, first thing first pay my policy, then return my fren asap...
usually for me i always haf things planned out nicely,
but then if sumtin suddenly occur... then kinda screws up alot of things...
oh well i've past 18 years settling all this matters, this wont be any different...
juz a side not... i remember and repay wad i owe...no matter how long it takes...
well besides all those...
this morning on my way home... kinda got really tired... was in the train, then feel like puking so i came out of the station
then went back in, i sat on the floor and fell asleep,
then the officer in charge came to find me brought be to the lounge/office at the station, layed there and had some water...
then later went back on the train, towards tampines... fell aslp again... ended up back in lavender... so in the end i left eski at 6am i reached home at 12 pm...
well actuclly didn;t had much drink...well kinda promised a fren i'd take care and not drink so much...
had erdinger beer, frustrations, then we 3 had a bottle of sminoff rashberry, then when the party start, had some vodka(grey goose) cranberry, and terqila shots,
well everyone was there, joanne, seri, dex, tom, ting, and alot alot others, met this gal tricia, oh and eva went too, was nice to see her again, well the bf was there so yea she didn't really party much, well before i left tom made me drink 2 whole glass of vodka cranberry, and 2 shots of terqila, went out i remember juz puking like crazy... but still able to walk...
oh seri's husband was there too =)
chat quite alot...
overall pretty fun =)
oh well thats bout it
6:49 AM
Sunday, December 23, 2007
the usual...blog and try to slp...
honestly i haf real big problems slping...
i already got enuff to think and worry when i'm awake... now even when i'm trying to slp?
anyway today been a pretty boring and physically draining day...
from last nite till this morning... didn;t slp at all
not tat i didn;t try... but everytime i lay down my mind juz flood wif things to think and worry etc...
been like that even the nite be4 yesterday...
hopefully all this tune down by sch reopen...
coz i haf to really put my concentration to sch work...
well since today i;m so physically drained... decided to saty home and watch movies...
pretty boring and meaningless...
then i went to pack some things looked thru some old stuff...
while looking thru... makes me really think back of all the old times...
and also regret the things that i took for granted and time that i wasted...
i could haf done everything better...
really kinda makes me feel that most part of my life is a failed attempt...
only that i personally make it or bluff myself that it was achievement...
honestly wad haf i done in my past 18 years?
now if someone asked me that i really dun noe how to answer that...
cant tell them i made it thru sec sch... i didn't even do well even when i shld haf...
guess i'd say either i'm lucky i manage to get in poly
then think back... even in my uniform group, did i really on my own strength climb the ranks?
cant proof that now that i'm out and did not continue to pursue further...
well some times i really wonder... am i better off dead?
i mean like wad am i good for?
feeling so unclear of my own path...
maybe i shld juz walk the path where people direct u where to go and wad to do...
dunno lah...
beside looking thru things i also worked out again at home...
pull-up(supported), chin-up(supported), push up, sit up, sqats..
all the more i feel i'm weak... guess i'll always be that fat boy from the past?
kept telling myself... take it slow, pick up the pace slowly...
but the more i do... the more i feel disappointed...
when i did sit up... everytime i came up my back felt this sharp pain...
i really wondered why and when did i actuclly hurt my back...
zzz why...
ohwell no pain no gain... kept pushing...
maybe i'd overcome it...
now a days theres more and more things i doubt...
the things i believed in slowly fading away...
wads this world coming to?
is everything revolving around money all all that crap.?
hahaz ya noe one of the tots that went thru my mind this morning... was...
maybe the reason why she left was becoz of the way i think and the things i believed?
i guess one way to get away from all this... is to kill my feelings and emotions?
set ur goals and go for it
ya noe my ideal world revolves around principles, ideals, feelings, reason, cant think of the exect word to express it...
the more i see people helping others for the sake of themself, disgust me...
frens who became ur frens become theres sumtin they can get off ya...
or those who juz say only... but then deep in ur own ur own...
if i could i'd return to the past where people treasure and uphold things that now a days dun exist...
watched a show... it said, words like justice, and anything that wif it... is juz a cover to personal gain or greed...
are humans really savaged ever since they are created? well of coz i noe theres a few different people around... so i shall not offend them by judging everyone the same...hmmm i shldn't even be judging at all...
hmmm i think i weent way off topic le.... nvm....
juz needed to get those off me...
on the record...i for one... will nv leave my frens or anyone who deserve my help stranded...
be it u treat me the same or not...
i'd still do wad i can to help....
so tired...
if i could, i'd juz dream in an endless slp...
william
on the side note... i still cant seem to slp...
am i truely addicted to drinking?
hmmm cant be i alrady lived 3 days in a row without it le...(i mean since the last time i touched it)
well taking a glass or 2 really does help slp...
but my frens dun like it neither does my dad...
and becoz of that juz that alone... i refrain from doing it...
8:42 AM
Friday, December 21, 2007
well back to do a little updating =P
well lets see...
i last posted was thursday
well tecnically the excitement nv end there =P
after i blog that nite... did a little work out be4 i shower and slp...
well weird thing was that nite dunno why i held on to my hp when i go to bed...
was like expecting a call or sumtin...kinda like a sixth sense thingy...
well indeed the phone did ring..
around 4am liddat.
was abit surprise..
but oh well, usually a call at that hour means sumtin happened or wad..
so i answered, and discovered my fren was "locked out" of her own house and kinda needed help.
well cant let a gal stay out in the middle of the nite rite...
its not nice plus people work ill very tired le, the last thingy they'll wan is to stay out till morning..
well decided to cab down to help her out in wad ever way i can..
so off i wen sneaking out of the house when everyone was asleep,
took a cab down, reached there, went up chase the cat away, walk her up and head back.
well was thinking of staying at the busstop till morning to save cost,
but then decided to cab back home, not wanting my fren to worry, i mean i noe she already felt bad bout me coming down in the middle of the nite...
got home heng parent still aslp, sneak back in my room, be4 my parent woke up.
covert operation a success =P
anyway, to my dear fren, hey dun worry bout it ya, and dun feel bad, i chose to come down on my own free will, rememebr anytime anywhere =)
when i say anywhere i meant anywhere, sg aint that big after all..
so dun feel bad and dun worry bout the cab fare, its a small sum meaningfully spent, dun worry bout it.
now ya juz take good care of urself, rest more and enjoy the upcoming christmas =)
hmmm the next day, kinda slack at home..
even late afternoon brought my fren down to the costume shopp where i rented my scarecrow
lol the deposit abit xiong this time...
hmmm after that when down bugis and had lunch/dinner there
then mrt back home le,
that evening i went out wif my parent walk walk around the neighbourhood,
went over my house nearby CC de gym, the equipment there was pretty up to date, but then space abit cramp...
hmmm i think i'll keep to my sch gym for now, plus my back is still giving me some problem...
guesss all my past training all kinda wasted, back to square one..
abit sianzz, felt as if all my effort wasted and all...
need to start another 3-6month programme for myself wif intense cardio work out...
hmmm thats about it all
guess i'll write till here
be4 i end, juz wanna say, a fren in need is a fren indeed,
if u consider ur fren a close fren, a dear fren, dun hesitate to ask them for help, coz frens nv leave their frens stranded to die...
=)
well least thats me...
i'm juz glad i could do some things to help people out...
coz frenship to me is a very important thing... i've lost some good frens already and i dun wanna lose anymore..
hmmm sounds kinda corny LOl
anyway take care ya all..
merry christmas...
william
11:28 PM
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
its 5.45am now and well its my bros birthday today =P
HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!
anyway i little back track to last nite...
=P
well actuclly jzu got home awhile back kinda got locked out coz i left my keys at home...
hmmm lets see was a pretty boring day till after dinner =)
went over to TM help fren order some things..
then my dad drive me went down AMK hub
met up wif shuhui(eva) and bling
haben seen them in a while =)
well we den decided to head down boat quey...hmmm i think i'm gonna get bished by people confirm de...
hmmm we head down eski...
met up the rest of the people there =P
and lol they met alot of their own frens there too
told myself shall dink very little today..
so had a bottle of heiniken
hmmm later we slack then talk and all...
eva seem to be busy walking and catching up here and there hahaz....
then later i got myself another graveyard...
stayed there for some time...
oh was talking to joanne about christmas eve..
she was asking if i free wanna head down eski coz they having a party =)
hmmm ought to be fun lol
hmmm well see bout it bahx..
back to my topic...
well
after that suppose to head down brewwerks meet blings fren...
but on the way dropped by archipilego
met long there hahaz one of my best bartender i noe hahaz
and once again drinks on the house!!!!
love this guy hahaz
tried their own brew...
pretty smooth...
nice!
eva had beer too, then bling was having wine..
lol she was drinking abit fast...
and soon she was all red and tipsy =p
hmmm thenh after that we head down brewerks but then blings frn left le...
so we head back into eski
slack there till closing bahx...
then took their transport to shuhui's place and i from there head home(its definately cheaper)
was a pretty happening time !!
hahaz had lots of fun looking forward to tml though my bros birthday...
anyway take care ya all =)
hmmm now for some personal tots...
well got myself wasted the other day,.... well technically i got wasted afetr i got home..
something eva said today was pretty true..
when ur feeling really good...
its almost impossible to get drunk...
but the moment u feel down or depress thats when everything kicks in...
well that nite feeling terrible...
chat wif her on the phone for awhile(well at least to me)
couldn;t really remember wad i said...
but then was juz pretty negative bahx...
but glad she was there to listen and try to pull me over to the more positive side...
hmmm 3 months is the time she give,.,,
make sure i sort things out...
well honestly i remember parts and pieces of most of the things she said bahx...
and i;m trying le..
well taking things positively...
plus if i fails... i noe where i can go...
anway... today saw some hings then really makes me wonder...
well when someone accepts another person...
ya acept her everything...
but then why does some guys really control this and dat and cant do this and that...
even though he jolly well noes she noes how to take care of herself...
well concerning is one thing but controlling is another...
if ya ask me... care for her... but let her be herself...
if ya noe her weaknesses and flaws...
rather then enforcing her to change it...(its almost impossible to change a person)
rather be there for her looking out for her...
being wif someone doesn;t mean u own her...
it juz means both of u are emotionally related...
did u noe... marriage is a loophole for rape?
its proven by law...
anyway thats not my point...
lesson to learn...
when u love someone, u wan to be wif someone, ur wif someone...
u accept them as who they are....not juz pretty looks or material and all...
but accept them as a whole..
everything...good and bad...
then let them be who they are but wif the fact there ur there for them...
i mean like they dun need another father or motherto educate them...
they need a soulmate to be there for them good and bad... understand them...support them be it its sumtin u like or not,...
its a 2 side thing...
thats why comprimise and trust
is something both haf to give...
an understanding between both...
if u cant accept sumtin from the person then theres definately gonna be a problem...
i can go on and on about this...
coz personally i tried to give everything.... but got everything taken away from me...
and i juz consider myself sway...
and i see people who dun udnerstand things...or take things for granted... i juz cant take it...
hahaz...
guess its kinda helping me pull myslef together eh?
anyway gtg slp le...
nitez
take care and rest well..
william
1:42 PM
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
well back to post again...
hmmm let see... where shld i begin...
recap...
yesterday...
dinner wif qh and jf...
then went down bugis shop shop =P
then followed by going down eski again...
was pretty fun
met this new guy...
tom... this new bartender
was an ex ngee ann poly...
till he kenna kick for doing some stunt to the sch..
well i had a frustration, a flame of glory and a drink created by tom... he named it "fuked up"
it was absinthe red, green and black(well black is 85% alchohol the rest is at least 75% bahx) wif barcadi 151, light up and dose it wif beer...
its killer man...
both for the pocket and ur mouth...
it bites and numbs u...
was shiok./..
jf and 2 submarin(finally the shots is in the glass)
and qh had a fallen angel(pretty nice drink) and a flame of glory on me =)
after that went home...
well everything was okie till i lay down ...
suddenly feel really crappy...
so chat wif some people online...
sms and called eva...
cant really rememebr wad i said... all i rememebr was i talk and cry and crap alot...
then after that went to slp le...
was slping soundly till my sis burge in next morning...
telling me no power for today...
zzz my room became so hot zzz
so juz wake up headache and all...
went wif sis to help my other sis take N level result...
congratz she made it...
then went shopping...
then meet up parent go pick up sis from oversea...
then back home...
well today i learned of sumtin which my dad talked about be4...
kinda motivate me to move on...
sumtin like a safty net... if life fails me i noe where i'll head to...
somewhere where people will accept u for who u are... a new identity...
except that the fact that u put ur life on the line...
1 in 10 dun come back...
but well its juz a tot...
i got next 10 years to consider...
if life really fails me i think i'll walk that path...
wif the approval of my parent...
leaving everything behind me...
honestly speaking...
i still cant let go...of some things...
but i;m trying really hard to...
i noe it annoys people...
but my apologies...
i will try harder...
my fren gave me 3 months max to move on...
i'll try...
i give myself 10 years to push for a better life...
a meaningful one...
else... i'll fly to paris and walk thru that gate....
but thinking now... is it something i wan?
if the world doens't wan me... then i guess thats definately the place to go...
well its still too early to say...or decide...
so wif that in mind, i'll juz put everthing on the line and push my life...
right now its juz a tot...
a 2nd chance
hmmm now that i;m motivated to push and move on...
i shall end here and rest...
somethings is betetr to juz keep wif myself...and myself only...
william
9:32 AM
Sunday, December 16, 2007
hmmm very sian so decided to post abit =P
now juz sitting in front of com eating egg omelet i made juz now =P
well it kinda look horrible =P
anyway... now i'm semi soaking wet...
zzz
was washign the dishes and the toilet..
if i dun wash it no one seem to will wash it lol
todays been a rather boring day...
and i finished all the games which i got be4 the exam...
zzz
sianzzz...
but still honestly speaking feeling on the brighter side today =) dunno why feel like smiling and all...
yesterday was horrible...
zzz thinking of alot of thing from past to future =P
but then still was chatting wif a classmate of mine...
shes like one of the few who when ya chat wif her within a split sec ya be laughing already =P
coz she can really be cold and lame some times...
extremely!!
i still remember year 1...
when well 3 person was going after her...
which one of them was really an idiot...
partly becoz of him she wasn;t herself for like the rest of the year...
during that time...
i kept wondering where did that cheerful lame gal went to...
she came to class was always sad looking... quiet,...hardly joke...
but well things settled down...
one of them gave up...when she clearified things wif him... while that idiot i think change target le =P hmmm wonder is he still the idiot he was?
then the third guy kinda got together wif her till now bahx..
well those aside, now i'm juz glad that cheerful lame cold, joking gal is back =P
stay happy always ya...
zzz
wah... feels really uncomfortable when ur soaking wet..
i shall go shower after this...
hmmm next time i shld become a househusband or sumtin LOL
clean the house and cook =P
go supermarket shop and all..
hmmm zzz really bored... sitting in front of com blasting music and enjoying the breeze from my fan...
hmmm later going meet another close fren of mine for dinner.. =P
as for the time being juz slack thru bahx...
take life slow for once...
hmmm suddenly remember tml is the 18th... its my dads birthday... 18th dec 1965
well honestly speaking still dunno wad to get for him...
maybe bring him out eat or sumtin =P
hmmm talking bout birthday, my bro arif birthday coming also... thursday...
hmmm got a shirt for him... but then i think like abit not enuff leh...
hmmm i mean like his pretty important to me... and i really wanna show my appreciation and all...
=P hmmm shall go shopping on wed =P at the same time go get some clothes and some prezzie for christmas...
hmmm chirstmas...
i doubt my family having any programme or wad...
then also doubt any of my close fren got anything on also...
still nvm get some prezzie for sis or sumtin... then get a few extra in case
hmmm personally i'm pretty bad at choosing presents =P
hmmm nvm go see see den decide wad to get bahx
shall write till here...
will write further later
william
bored...
11:36 PM
update......
honestly feeling quite crappy now...
hmmmm nvm ...
anyway...
havent written anything ever since thursday....
well heres a little wad happen past few days...
lets see friday...
followed my poly fren go town, wake got a wii, then went to heeren walk walk...
wanted to buy some clothes but then decided to wait for other days...
there i also bought a tee shirt for my bro arif...
well i'm thinking of getting some other thing for him as well...
but still deciding...
was at newurbanmale, saw a shirt...
"i declear myself mr emo.."
wanted to get one for myself... but then its in light blue color...
hmmm maybe next time i go town then decide...
wanted to get for arif "i declear myself mr horny.."
lol
hmmm then head down to bugis...
wake bought guitar hero 3 for wii...
then went down to sim lim square...
well honestly thru out the whole time was feeling abit not myself...
but well least i;m outside wif company...
hmmm after all that... i met my uncle at KK...
brought me go ngee ann city...
had dinner at sushi teh.
hmmm well had lots of sashimi lol
there the things very fresh =P
shld bring the rest of my frens go eat some other time...
then later went down to plaza sing..
walk walk.... coz movie was like 12.05
burn time... till....
we went starbucks sit down...
starting talking botu things and taking pics LOL
talking bout pics...
i think theres something wrong wif me...
i tend to shiver as in cant stay still when i hold things and all...
took a pic wif his k850i wif the stabalizer off... the pic was like blur like hell...
hmmm then later watched the warlord...
hmmm shall save the details of the movie till later... coz i watched the same movie the next day...
went home bout 3 plus...
then next day...
rest at home...
till bout 4 plus 5
went to meet hakim...
well was suppose to go town shop...
then in the end we went down raffles place...
eski...
sat down talk and all...
and omg he bully me sia...
make me drink alot of heavy drinks zzz...
was suppose to juz haf a frustration and thats it...
frustration is sumtin like graveyard... rum,gin,borbon, triple sec, etc except its not stout but beer...
then followed by a flaming lambogini....
then nvm stright after another flame of glory....
honestly feeling dizzy after that le....
plus wif all the cant slp and all that crap...
wah...
then nvm later went to somersat station waited for ben and the rest to appear...
sat there like idiot...
well luckily xanthe came...
company me...
then met derrick
its been awhile since i saw him ...
had dinner at hongkong cafe..
then went to play pool...
then buy movie "the warlord" again... till next mornign then cab home... reach home bout 7 am...
thats about it for wad happen...
now for the movie...
technically a pretty complicated movie...
too many ways to view the story...
but the thing that came to my mind when i watch was me, arif and ck...
it reminded me of us....
shall save the details of the show.... no spoilers here...
anyway during the movie... or i shld say at the movie...
the spot i sat...
it was the same spot... i sat wif her 2 years back... when we watch peter pan i think...
its juz suddenly remember....
damn crappy... why cant i juz forget things.... or things juz go smoothly...
nvm...
as for today...
went grandparent place
see all my adorable cousins...
=P
thats about it for the few days...
ya noe at this moment... a queastion juz pop into my mind...
how important am i to anyone?
would my disappearence be any difference to the world?
do they mean it when people call u a fren... call u a bro?
or is it juz mere usuage of u and dispose of u later...?
i ask myself.... when people are in need if they mean sumtin to me i'll do wad ever it takes to help them out...
but if its the other way roudn would tthings be the same?
would the people whom i would give my life to help them do the same to me?
i noe there are some... least i hope i'm rite...
well beside queastions...
the thing thats really going thru my mind now...
is...
well looking at her pic i came across the other time...
tried deleting it...but always ended up restoring it back...
i really wonder... why do i go thru hell wanting something that almsot took everything away from me(i dun mean materailistically, i'm talking about feelings here...)
why do i wan or cling onto something that brought so much crap onto me?
why do i still wan it back now...
even though i noe i doubt it will last... or haf a happy ending...
why...
why do i think it all the time?
really enjoyed the time when i juz came into poly... when everything was juz fresh start...
nothing to think, worry, stress...
why is it not the same now...
now its always tired...why this why that worry this and that...
think this and that...
argh crap... nvm....
its sumtime bad enuff feeling kinda lonely even wif frens around me...
shldn't make it worst...
hmmm nvm,....
i'll juz end here...
take care ya all...
i'm always here for ya (wonder whos here for me )
william
fren to the end no matter if u think the same of me as i think of u....
7:33 AM
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Common test is finally over....
personally feeling pretty relief...
but then at the same time... very disappointed with myself....
well today's paper was hell...
and i really dunno how to do...
its like as if the paper and i was speaking in different language...
i think its probably lack of preparation ...
i know i could haf done better if i had worked even harder...
hopefully i can still make it...
else its retest for me...
the other paper...FNS wasn't as bad... at least i noe how to answer 90% of the paper....
its juz really sian.....
anyway... today after the paper... alot of my frens who came out all say " DIE LIAO!!!"
dunno if its true anot... some like noe how to do de leh...
oh well after exam we(wake, k3, north, rh, theif and myself..) decided we shld go out and kinda destress after exam... to me it felt kinda like celerbrate our failure today zzz
well at first they dunno wanna go where, wanted to watch movie but later say go eat steamboat...
so off we went...
had fun there, eat myself crazy...
talk about alot of things...
well while i was there at one point i suddenly remembered sumtin...
a moment from the past... pretty funny.... but then also kinda not really sumtin i wanna go think about...
oh well...
after that walk all the way back mrt station and off i went home myself once again...
very sian why no one lives near me zzz....
hmmm well besides today...
lets see the other days...
i mostly stay home studied bah...
went to sch maybe...
didn't slp well or slp at all recently... or juz slp late and wake up really early....
well got used to that...
anyway... recently been making breakfast for myself...
pretty heavy branch....
made, salad, steak, soft boil eggs.... etc etc... and lots of milk...
of coz not in 1 day but over a few days ...
now that the holiday is here...
its time to catch up wif some frens...
and shop for things, shop for christmas...
talking bout christmas...
yesterday i recieved a card from a fren...
it really kinda touched me...
i mean... at a point when i was really stressed out and upset over some things...
and well i juz suddenly talk to her...
and all that... she cheered me up...
and kinda advice me some things...
well it helped some bit...
now i recieved a card from her...
i'm pretty curious how she got my address lol
oh well juz wanna say thx...
=) this is like the first time i actuclly recieve a card from a fren...
well things been getting better somehow... i think...
i think i'll haf to thank all my frens... you all noe who u are...
for being there when i needed company...
i really appreciate it =)
thx...
now that exams is over do find some time to hang out ya... buy ya all meal or sumtin hehe
hmmm lets see wad i shall do tonite...
probably try to slp early and stress free for today... and start working on things tml...
alrite i think i write till here...
will write more next time...
take care
william..
8:48 AM
Monday, December 10, 2007
Dec 11 2007....
a beautiful day to begin wif...
well currently in sch library, arond 11...
suppose meet frens study together but then till now... non of them turned up yet...
left all alone here wif my notebook and my notes....
kinda sian so decided to blog a little....
well so far CT preperations seems to be going well...
least i hope its going well...
really wonder wad kind of paper is coming out.....
hmmm last nite didn;t slp well at all... or i shld say didn;t slp at all....
but oh well been thinking alot especially wadever i wrote here....
hmmm i think i shld really juz stop talking bout such things and well who noes it all juz go away...
=) anyway was up early today.. followed my parent to the airport to send my sis off... shes going china...some sch thing...
then on the way to breakfast was talking to my mum bout life....
and well... shes doesn;t seem to quite understand wad i say at all...
kinda gives me the feeling she thinks like my younger siblings...
oh well i juz hope she understand wad i say and live a happier life bahx...
i mean it kinda sad to see her everyday pass like no meaning liddat.....
well i guess beside helping others i shld find ways to improve myself...
change myself...
people aren;t perfect... but that doesn;t me we cant perfect ourself in wad we do....
personally i haf lots of flaws...
hopefully people can look pass all my flaws and well noe me for who i am... or who they think i am....
hmmm.....well past few days been curious bout that nite de tarot cards reading...
so i kinda went online to search it up.....
and well kinda understand a little better...
its pretty true...
it doesn;t tell u ur future more like juz a guidance...
cant belief totally but then seems to relate to me quite well no harm in improving myself =)
maybe a change would be beneficial to myself and those around me...
so wif that ... i muz work hard to strive to do wadever i do wif the best attitude...
lets see in my short life how far i can go.... =)
death is a gift to mankind....
only wif death does people noe how to appreciate wad they haf...
only wif death, people will live everyday to the fullest....
wif death people will strive to achieve great things in life....
thats kinda something i picked up from a book.... and also from LOTR(the author was talking about death, a gift to man)
and last ut not least... something i picked up from a movie...
only when u accept death...(or accept that ur aleady dead to begin wif) thats when u start fuctioning...
well i'm sure ya all noe wad i mean....
hahaz and hey i'm not sucidal okie!!
hahaz
kinda sounds like it rite...
well all the bet to those having exams....
work hard and do well....
and to those wif problems...
hang on, and hold ya self together...
things will definately pull thru....
logging....
william
7:02 PM
another sleepless nite.....
well its 4.34 in the morning....
trying to slp but cant seem to slp....
could be exam stress(hmmm doubt so)
well at a times like this its always soo darn quiet...
so darn quiet that its feels kinda peaceful...
then ya start reflectong on the things happening around u...
the good, the bad..., the unforgetable...
well rite now feels kinda mixed feelings...
its like neither happy nor sad...
feels juz rite...
well recently things beginning to get busy... i'm sure everyone is getting busy this days...
coz well...
hardly find anyone to talk to le hahaz....
oh well exams around the corner...
work hard and do well....=) all of ya!!
well other then exams...
i still got other personal things to sort out...
well today finally my bonus banked in...
time to prepare to buy things for people all the things i said i'll get...
its about time...
else all my bills will go haywire...
currently thinking thru some things that happened in the past...
how can a happily going group suddenly become so broken down to so few members?
how many things did i succeeded in doing after taking over?
how many i failed...?
looking at the new people now...
i bet they muz be saying alot of things behind me...
well they already did be4 all this i guessed...
maybe they are...
i mean i did failed to do alot of things...
things i meant to do....
seriously at this moment now... i really dunno how i'm going to face them even if my backs all okie...
arghhh.... nvm... put it all aside....
if its truely my fault...
or they think it is... then being the men i am...
i'm ready to accept anything they throw at me...
today....i tot of her again....
i noe... it aint a good thing...
i mean like yes i do wanna move on...
find someone else?
and all that...
its juz...
nvm...
i'm sure i can managed...
dragged for too long now...
its all in the past...
let go!
move on....
i'm doing very well now...
honestly...
at first wen i noe her... when i was wif her...
i honestly felt her feelings for me was true...
and so was mine... thus i really commit myself...
i guess my greatest fear now....or basically my biggesst weakness...or badpoint however u put it...
is to put trust into r/s again...
hmmm nono... not trust.. i meant like commiting urself...
i mean if i were to go after someone now... i'd feel like its gonna be the same thing all over...
as in like... how do i noe if my feelings for someone is true... and that their feelings for me is true too...?
its sort of like a fear...
i mean like from all my past experiences... i'm not someone that people liked...
as in like as compared to alot of people around me...
yes i may be a good fren and all...
but then i guess thats all wad i'll be?
hmmm i think i'm beginning to sound desperate...
but i;m not...
i think i'm going in circles...
anyway dun worry bout me...
i;m sure i can pull things thru...
well at most... i'm juz a person who people come to when theres a need and disappear when they done...
hahaz...
oh well least i could be of use hahaz...
honestly i think i'm talking rubbish...
gibberish...rubbish...
well maybe thats wad happen when ur lack of slp?
oh well
hmmm ya noe... even i myself notice... i seem to be a different person when i'm alone at nite...
hmmm split personalities? hahaz
nahhh... not that serious...
juz basically spamming alot of rubbish...
wads to best way to put things behind me?
if anyone noes pls let me noe...
omg.... i shld juz stop saying all this things... its making me feeling worst and worst....
hmmm weird think is i'm thinking alot but then...
i'm feeling pretty neutrel....
well maybe its juz a way of expressing myself bahx...
as in like not really anyone to talk to...
so juz write it all out least it feels good...
BUT HEY!! DUN GET ME WRONG OR WAD...I'M REALLY FINE...SERIOUS....
ITS JUZ TOTS....
I'm NOT SUCIDAL OR PSYCOLOGICAL UNSTABLE...
hmmm okie well try to stop all this nonsense...
juz one last one....
resolution for the coming year...
be a better men....let go...move on...
oh well./..
lets juz talk bout today...
well woke up in the morning... i made my own breakfast/lunch...
lets see...
i had salad, wif eggs, and a glass of milk...
then ehad down to sch to study and omg... the people who jio me go... nv turn up...
okie maybe juz one came...
anyway studied abit and we head down west mall...
had subway...
followed by coffee...
and studied till 6 plus...
and i head home...
thats basically all i guess...
12:33 PM
Saturday, December 08, 2007
to start off lets pick things up from friday...
no sch...
slack at home study and all..
met qianhui and jf at nite go slack, drink basically relax and talk out minds...
i always like pubbing wif them...
its always more of a relax thing than hardcore drinking...
anyway... main topic was wad to wear tml which was yesterday de zoukout...
so thats about it for friday...
sat everything was pretty much normal.
met shuhui(eva) in the afternoon,
she was around the are wif her mum shopping for some things they need for the dinner they having that nite..
so i was kinda bored studying at home so i went to meet them...
walked around...
give comment about things...
then when they head back so did i...
relac all the way till evening...
changed and my dad drove me to harbour front..
met jf and qh...
went in real early(advance happy hour ticket)
walk around the whole place...
came out grab some things to eat and drink...
went back in... mambo jumbo till 1am...
went over to meet qh frens...
then trance all the way till this morning which i would say i'm darn tired...
but it was worth it...
i mean the experience...
it was really a beach party/rave...
seeing all the dj doing their things...
oh and some things i till now cant really forget...
i kinda went to read tarrot cards...
well at first qh was saying wanna try but scared coz its quite accurate...
so since i dun really belief in this kinda things i went for it instead..
no queastion to ask...
so it was generally bout myself...
i draw The magician, The Hermit, Death...
the person kinda explain to me some parts of it...
and well it was pretty accurate they way it said i was...or am going thru...
advice me to go for wad i wan and feel....
she said something about me being the magician mind...
haf alot of ideas and thigns i think i wanna do...
but then being the hermit...
i feel otherwise... or relactant...
its kinda like how i always feel when something happen...
its kind ur fighting wif urself,....
thinking one thing and feeling another...
anyway the death card... she dun really wanna explain it...
juz tell me that it aint actuclly a bad thing...
its about changes...
let the old die and being the magician new ideas will come...
but still i really curious wad does death actuclly means otherwise...
well enuf bout myself....
doubt anyone noes me that well anyway...
i then asked a queastion...
bout relationship...
since qh recommend that queastion lol
she said i still cant let go of my past..you noe who...err wait nvm dun think u noe....
anyway i draw the card again...
guess wad...
i draw the hermit, the world and death again...
the person then said that partly why i could draw the same card out is probably becoz i still cling onto something from the past bah...
cant really really wad the hermit means...
but basically she advice me to let go and move on....
coz i;m a very lucky guy...
coz she say the world is the best card u can draw from the whole deck..
plus me being a libra...
once the changes is complete everything is balanced...
things will come to me...
i actuclly wonder how true is it gonna be/?
come to think of it... even so its accurate...
its actuclly not that scary coz its more like a guidance rather then noeing the future...
oh well....
the past is history, the future is unknown... the present is a gift.... thats why its called the present...
anyway... party till dawn...
really shagg...
thx to jf dad once again.. for sending me home... really appreciate..it =)
shall write till here bahx...
shall go to slp...
zzz juz eaten breakfast... 2-3 eggs...
1 3/4 boiled, 1 1/2boiled and 1 raw....
zzz take care ya all...
and a little side track for a certain someone whome i juz read the blog...
yes trust is fragile, but then trust is a very important thing to haf too...
its not about whether u trust a person or not...
its more like whether the person deserve ur trust?
to me, trust is something one muz build and gain...
i mean even i myself trust a person very easily...
but then only those i noe i can really trust i trust my life wif them,....
nv give up on trust or you'll nv trust again....
which is a terrible thing...
i got a fren whom kinda lost trust in alot of things especially guys....
i think ya noe her too...
but then hopefully she doesn't loses hope too...
anyway take care... and rememebr theres always someone around u whom u can trust...
hmmm whether ya trust me or not doesn;t matter...
but i noe i can trust ya thats wads important to me...
zzz shall go to slp
william
4:20 PM
Thursday, December 06, 2007
back to update more....
first off... wed was another plain day,
well my bro arif juz came back....
bought me a 1 litre absolute Vodka wif the limited edition giftpack...
look somewhat like a disco ball covering...
really thx =)
love it alot
oh and do get well soon alrite... heard ur unwell there...
hmmm beside that... let me think wad else...
oh yea....
while i was slping...
a fren sms me...
i guess she was bored?
or juz got home or wad...
i look at the time i tot it was 4 plus in the morning... but then found out later that it was only 2 =P
wow i slpt so long and its only 2?
i guess i did slp pretty well that nite...
haben slpt that well in a long long time...
hope tonite i can slp that well again too =P
well chatting wif her bout loads of things...
especially the part about education =P
it kinda motivated me to work even harder for wad i;m pursuing
and work even harder for my coming papers...
we started wif her saying she wanna retake o levels and me saying GO FOR IT!! =P
slowly talki until wad we wanna pursue in our life (in education)
well it was also her words that made me think thru some things i'm doing or going to do in the future...
do sumtin ya like...and no waste time doing sumtin ya noe ya wont like in the end...
well but still nv give up wad ya dun like if ur already in it...
finish it and reconsider
i want to be a pilot...
now that i;m a sailor...
i think after my bond is done...
i;m gonna try for a pilot...
if i fail...which i;m sure i wont...
i'll go on wif wad i;m doing or move on to another job...
well also juz wanna say thx =)
ya words motivated me quite alot...
lets work hard for our goals alrite!!!
back to today...
thursday...
actuclly today wanted to slack at home de...
but due to coming exams...
i went back to sch after meeting qh and jf for lunch or and jasmine too..
it was nice to see them after so long...
well i met them at 11.50am
dine at their fine dining restaurant in their sch..
well compared that to my sch... i think thats is rweally nice...
totally run by student...
though a little mistakes here and there...
for me i dun really mind, well as long as they try =)
but hey dun push it alrite =P
really interesting dessert they haf there...
omg if only my sch got some of that....
oh and the whole place looks pretty cool =P
saw nicole today too,...
she was in the kitchen...
hmmm maybe later or tml dop her a testimonial on friendster...or sms her =P
well i really enjoyed my self today,...
learned quite alot of things too...
well dining wif 3 other person who noes services and culinary so well...
is kinda a very interesting experience =P
not sumtin ya learn in sch everyday...(unless ur doing this line =P)
another big thank you to ya all =)
well i feel i;m beginning to take things better once again...
though some things to come back to huant me and all...
but things are improving i;m glad..
especially wif all my frens support...
hahaz i like very troublesome...
il;m a guy and omg i'm like so emotional over somethings?
or ya can call it sensitive over some things/?
hmmm maybe i'm a gal?
and having PMS?
nahx....
oh well...
i guess i;ll write to here...
people change, improve...
most importantly learn....
william
8:06 AM
Monday, December 03, 2007
time check......9.28am...tuesday....4th dec....
currently in class...
IN4 (internetworking 4) lecture....
honest the lesson is not that boring juz i cant seem to really pay attention....
anyway be4 all that...
damn sianz...
manage to woke up early, but fell back asleep...
then in the end need burn cash to get myself to sch on time....
took 250 de ride....
hmmm make that 450
well recently alot been happening...
and been very down lately...
but its quite true, what some people say....
as in like if u think ur going thru the crapiest day of ur life... then soon... it'll all be over and its gonna be a great day on its way here...
still mood rie now, really worried....
and well a little bit of disappointment still wif some things....
currently this 2 feelings overwhelm the rest...
which is kinda good too...
keep myself occupied....
note to myself....
get mugging....
start working hard again....
hold myself togather again...
i cant fail now... gone too far to fail now....
do it for my parents, my frens and most importantly myself....
also =P start to work out again....
i'm sure my back is alrite now...
even though the appointment is on janaury....
else i'm really gaining lots of weight....
which is a big NONO!!
from now till after next weds...
i'm putting my study at first priority...
its juz 2 paper...
got to sit down and really understand and study....
juz like how i did in first year.....
anyway enuff wif all those....
a little bit bout yesterday...
sch sch and sch....
followed by heading home....
hmmm not really...
met ong and qianhui for dinner
well it beats having dinner alone... or missing dinner when i get home...
oh and also i'm pretty much happy yesterday, managed to do the pratical part of my IPD project 2....
good job team....
well now lets put our brains into the research and presentation shall we...
i dun expect to much from all of ya,... but i wanna see effort =)
wif effort... i'm sure i can comprimise things to help each other out...
i wont leave people behind to die... unless they really deserve it....
thats about everything bout yesterday...
well a little personal things...
i'm learning to go thru this hard time...
wif the help of my frens....
and family
i really wanna thank them....
i mean i been screwing my life up recently over alot of old things... or tots or basically breaking down and not wanting to communicate...
i really wanna talk to people bout it
but i juz couldn't find the words to say...
or i juz dun wanna let them worry or let my problems become a burden for them....
honestly i feel i shld be able to manage things...
no matter how hellish it is....
i expect alot from my own life...
and i dun wanna fail myself,....
or the people around me....
i love the people around me whether they love me or not...
it doesn;t matter....
anyway gtg do work le... shall update again soon....
william
5:28 PM
Sunday, December 02, 2007
hmmm last i remember when i wrote sumtin i was really in ahell of a bad/down mood....
well after some things some people said... and some think thru....
i'm trying to take things differently....
went out wif some frens to catch a movie though i had to wake up real early after slping realy late last nite..
catch the game plan at yishun
i thinki i really loved that show...
really meaningful...
well after that went home and then went cycling at pasir ris....
wif them again..
and well i lived closer so i was there earlier...
cycle thru left and right...
it was a beautiful sunny windy day..
lots of family and couples out there...
i sat down stare out to sea...
feel at peace...
though at a point of time...tot of afew things unhappy... but then the whole enviroment there at the moment juz sweep that all behind....
met them cycle abit and all...
had some things to eat at sakae sushi
then had to rush home
prep go for dinner wif my grandparents
then head over their place promised my cousins...all of them...
i'll stay over...
its more like a gals nite out but then yea as u noe i;m not a gal... still i stood over lol
as for today not much i guess... the usual...
now back home writing everything down....
even though i'm trying to hold things togather....
i'm still damn worried and well i dunno wad expression words to use...
but CT is coming and though 2 papers only i really dunno wad to prepare and all....
guess its abck to the basic of memoriseing and writing?
hmmm i think i need a vacation zzz
or maybe i juz need something to keep me occupied...
sumtin...
anything
i think i write till here...
dunt hink it'll help if i write wad i feel again... i mean it'll juz get worst...
william
6:38 AM