-i'm.SO.miss-understood. -shikayeproductions.

Sigh....
navigations are the words.
This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.

Monday, December 31, 2007

finally got home and i feel like stomach upset wif wad ever i had yesterday....
oh well... weird... its the third consecitive day i havent slpt and i dun feel tired at all...
well i did took a nap at my bros place... it was nice to see him again...
his place is the one place i noe i'm always welcome even at the worst timing..
...be4 i go on back track abit...

IT NEW YEARS EVE, well now its new years day...
well everyones filled wif plans and all...
and for me its the same thing...
all alone...well it doesn't really matter though... but at that moment i really wanted some company...
at least hoping someone who ask me go along or sumtin...
coz everyone technically disappeared... the people i asked dun even wanna go out de or they are working or sumtin...
well then was chatting wif ck... and he kept insisting on going eski even though he was budget...
well was going there anyway if no plans... except i was there to see some frens wish them happy new year or sumtin...
well while chatting wif ck... he sometimes really pisses me off...
omg how cheapo can a person get?
there are proper ways to save and budget...
but getting ur fren to ask a pub where everyone ther was his frens whether can bring ur own alcohol there to drink?
please use some brains...
plus even though frens also priviledge got limit de wor...
and today wont be any different from anyother day...
or worst today definately can't....
anyway... after that he went to call qh, jf they all... and well we tagged along....
starting was okie i guess... they finished drinking and all...
doesn't really matter to me... i was juz looking for company for new years eve....
after the countdown,..
they wanted to head down eski...
so we headed there...
well it aint easy to get table for 13 people...
we finally got a table...
hold it for so god damn long...
and guess wad?
the best thing of the nite happened....
they left... only left me qh, jf and ck....
kinda a spoiler...
at that moment.... i actuclly wondered... hmmm is it becoz i tagged along?
anyway... had a couple of drinks... then decided to head back...
jf dad was on his way to fetch him... and well i decided to take the train...
well i noe tampines aint convinient plus it not nice to always hitchhike people...
was thinking where to go... wanted to go ECP.... haf some quiet time and finish the 2 bottles i brought out...
but heres the problem....
no transport...
so i headed down my bros place.....
that was roughly wad happen yesterday bah....

a few things that really left a pretty good memory wif me yesterday...
when i left eski... i said bye to my frens there... and for the first time since ever....
i recieved a few hugs, and even a kiss on the cheek from dex... hahaz well might sound gay... but hey we'r not...
anyway... a simple hug really can make a person feel warmth and for the first time in a long while... feels like the whole world loves ya...
well... be4 i go on... i wanna apologies to some frens... over some things i said over sms...
well i was kinda feeling crappy and wasn't thinking stright... and well... while at my bros place... i couldn't slp so was looking thru my sms... and while some things she said kinda hit me...
welll even thoughj i try so hard to keep in touch wif people whom i care about...
they still haf their own life to live... and i'm not the only person around people....
i shlan't be selfish and demand attention from they everytime...
i shld learn to take care of myself....
she said i shld learn to be stronger in emotion...
well...maybe shes rite... maybe thats the reason people left me...
ya noe i used to tot myself as a perfectionist...
wanting perfection for everything...
but lately i lost my way...
i lost my way in the way i think... they way i act... the way i live,...
i need to find my old self back... but aint i suppose to change?
people tell me i shldn't cling onto the past...
i shld find a new self...
sometimes... theres juz so many things i wanna tell my frens...
but then its either they are not free not around... not there... or when i do talk to them,... i seem to haf nothing to say....
its like sometimes i wanted company... but at the saem time i wanna be left alone...
maybe i just wanted attention... attention i dun deserve....
anyway... i tot of her again...
well feels like even though i went through hell for her....and that she ditched me and all...
i seem to wan her back...
maybe it was the things i did that made her left...
well i doubt i'll be given any more chances wif her le...
but still i dunno... i juz wanna find her...
...bahx.... i shldn't think that way... i shld juz leave her behind me... like she left me behind...
well a guy like me...dun deserve anybody...
i got nothing good on me...
but even so she accepted me for who i am at that time... even though things changed...
thats something i'll always rememeber bahx...
but wads past is the past le... no point bringing them up... things wont change any bit...

on my way home today... was constantly thinking of the thigns my frens said...
and i kinda look at myself...
i'm really lost... as in i really lost all my aim, my way of life...
i used to be veru optimistic wif things... but now looking at the true facts of life...
its changed...
i was to haf high expectation of my future...
but then my future is the same as anyone else...
i wanted to achieve so many things... but its all become impossible...
guess they are rite when they say one shld be satisfied wif wad they haf...

since i cant rely on others but myself...
i shld try to pick myself up again...
first thing is to settle my money issue...my physical fitness issue...
next is to work on my sch work... top 19 aint enuff...honestly i dun even deserve that place... it was juz luck...

then last comes my career... though i noe my career wont bring me any where much,... but i noe i can survive and fend for my family....
haiz... nvm i will leave all that to another day....
i feel i'm not up to it yet....

william

7:20 PM