-i'm.SO.miss-understood. -shikayeproductions.

Sigh....
navigations are the words.
This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

haiz sianz.... 6 plus in the morning and guess wad... i'm still awake...
wad started as a peaceful pretty relax day end up... becoming sleepless and same old thing all over...

when the nite comes it really changes things...
dead silence...
close all the lights...
its juz u alone...
quiet...

tried sleeping....
guess it didn;t really work...
or maybe i slpt too much today already?

well at times... do really wanna call up a fren or sumtin...
but then.... looking at the time...
they are probably asleep...
and i dun wanna bother them and disturb their slp...
rather it be me being alone...
then making people losing slp and suffer wif me....

ya noe i really wonder wad the future holds for me...
really doubt it...
partly afraid of it...
i can see myself being more alone then ever...
i mean yes i am independent and all...
but it juz i dunno... i dun like it?
plus being alone without reason or meaning to anything or do anything is like living in a world, an empty world...where when ur better off dead and it makes no difference
by the time... everyone would haf their own things to occupy them...
they would haf left everything behind them...
its either they give up the world, their frens for their bf/husband/ gf and wives... or money... or career...
what happen to all the we'll keep in touch, frens 4ever, i'd never forget u...
ya noe when we were all small...
we all think things will nv change...
but now even though still young alot haf changed already...
i've lost almost most of my best frens and close frens...
dun say all those tat we juz met...
time really kills alot of things...
time even physically kills people...
everyday is like a day closer to ur death...
who noes when...
well was talking to my uncle...
and well talking bout last time wad he went thru and all..
and mind u he aint some old guy hahaz..
anyway... seeing him... i really wonder will i become like that too...
where ur frens leave u one by one...
till ya technically ha to past everyday and nite wif urself...even on occasion...
well maybe becoz of that, i'd give up slp, or even anything(not everything) to help any of my frens...
or let them noe i'm always here...
sumtin like so they wont leave me?
well maybe thats the reason...
well usually i'd say, i'll do anything to help my frens...even though they might not do the same for me..becoz i treasure them... and becoz that me, thats how i work?
but is that true...
i no long noe wad is true wad is not...
this world is juz screwed up some how...

i noticed... i've been asking alot of what and why...
reason and meaning....
its like asking alot of queastion that no answer can be found...
well maybe my language sucks thats why no one can understand me... and give me an answer...

am i really like that?
or am i doing it for a motive...
do i do things for motive... like wad my fren said bout some people...
but then wad motives do i haf?
why do i do things for a motive...sometimes a motive which i cant or will not wan?
hmmm wad the heck am i asking or saying...

maybe i shld juz not waste time bout all this... and juz live life not thinking...
like some robot... do and finish work and forfil objective...
sometimes.. i feel like 2 person...
one person or one face when i;m wif people...
and another when i;m alone...
i love to socialize yet i hide my self in darkness and silence when i'm alone...
i think and solve things for myself and people around me...lead and all that when i'm around people...
but then feel so lost when i'm alone...
hahaz... well conclusion...
i'm jzu another useless soul on the face of the universe...
i failed in alot of things...
now i think i'm gonna fail in life...wads worst then living a life not noeing why... and the meaning and reason to ur existence...
well technically i failed in almost everything bahx...
i screwed up the club in my cca now...
why would people leave if u did a good job.... obviously i screewed up thats why things screwed up rite...
even back in sec sch... even though i climbed the ranks...
go for so many courses...
honestly...i feel i climbed the ranks not becoz of myself...
maybe they were rite... it was becoz of some things wif my sis and all...
and all the course... was i selected becoz i was good or did i go becoz my fren suggested my name...honestly i think i feel i suck up...
i screwed up my o levels... well its a lie that i did well and went poly...
obviously when u see the points i get u noe i screwed up...
in psle... so wad if i went express...
wif 200 points... i'm technically a no body.... people hear this and they'll go on saying sure is the sch standard low thats why...
even back in kindagarden...
i finally got the courage to try out for a lead role in the play... and i froze on the aduition...
plus even now in poly... so wad if i were top 19..
did i do well on my own or was it becoz of the tips teacher give...
well used to think that i was lucky thats why...
but i guess now my lucks run dry,...
so even though i achieve so many things... i doubt it aint all true...
even she left me...
well my bro say heck care... why care for some one who dun care...
but then is it true that she dun care?
well one thing she said to me i remembered clearly...
she gave me alot of chances/time already...
i remember getting so upset that i ask her to give me more time... i'd change...
but well think back even though i noe changing wont help any bit...
well i guess i failed to noe her... failed to keep her happy?
when people ask me wad am i good at ... i tell ya i dunno and i aint good at anything...
think back when people say i did something good...
i think thats becoz they brought down the expectation of things...
i'm juz a freaking no body who dun deserve anybody...
well i could haf done alot of things better...
i doubt i will or i can in the future...
its always the same thing...
ya noe all the more i write the more screwed up i feel....
hahaz wad a joke... some fat useless guy whining bout life... in front of a com... typeing to a dead thing who dun even reply...
maybe i'd juz kill myself or maybe give my life for sumtin or sumtin
least it'll end all the frastration bout all this...
hmmm that sound so foolish...
yes yes people will tell me dun think that way... think open, think happy...
well tried that...
and yes i noe the future is a long way...
who noes ya might do sumtin big, meet the rite one...and all those
well my guess is in future ii'd work my ass off... and die working...
or sell my life off...serving sumtin... living and spending and die lonely hahaz...
well people will tell me why think like that...
coz lifes like that...
and yes i might find that someone and all...
but then i dunno, it doesn;t matter anymore...
if i do find good for me...
but i doubt i'd bring myself to it...
she can find someone better off...

ya noe every freaking sentence i;m writing here... in my mind its a warzone...
its like one tells u no its not true... blah blah blah...
the other juz goes like yes its true...
its how u think and how u feel...
damn man, i'm seriously useles...
cant even think stright and feel stright...
okie think positive...
hmmm yes life is great...
ya will succeed...
hmmm but why is there a feeling of doubt...

sometimes i really hate myself...

arghh... nvm....
if everyone i type can earn money...
i'd be rich already...

coz i crapped too much...
not like anyone will actuclly bother reading all the way anyway...
coz its juz full of crap...
imagine a person who cant even convince himself... or even hold himself together for a nite and slp...
hahaz...
i think sometimes i say one thing feel another... and thinks another...

but definately act another...
i act according to wads right and wrong...
i think...

okok forget it..
i shld juz stop...
its getting no where but worst...
i shld be dead for the things i did...
plus i think maybe thats why now i'm like crap...
i'm a jerk... an asshole..
fuked... its juz something i cant forgive myself... and i cant say it out...
guess somethings ya juz haf to live wif it till the day u die...
whether ya learn ur lesson or not...
thats sumtin why i cant bring myself to find any gf not even the rite one coz they dun deserve a guy like me...
i guess i'm the one who screwed up my life... now or the past or even maybe the future...

its going no where...

juz end it...
hmmm ever wonder wads life after death?
lol sumtin ben talk to me bout the other day...
wad if it all repeat...
lol if thats true... it sure suck...

william

get things done boy...
or people will screw up becoz of u...

1:57 PM