-i'm.SO.miss-understood. -shikayeproductions.

Sigh....
navigations are the words.
This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the usual...blog and try to slp...

honestly i haf real big problems slping...
i already got enuff to think and worry when i'm awake... now even when i'm trying to slp?

anyway today been a pretty boring and physically draining day...
from last nite till this morning... didn;t slp at all
not tat i didn;t try... but everytime i lay down my mind juz flood wif things to think and worry etc...
been like that even the nite be4 yesterday...
hopefully all this tune down by sch reopen...
coz i haf to really put my concentration to sch work...

well since today i;m so physically drained... decided to saty home and watch movies...
pretty boring and meaningless...
then i went to pack some things looked thru some old stuff...
while looking thru... makes me really think back of all the old times...
and also regret the things that i took for granted and time that i wasted...
i could haf done everything better...
really kinda makes me feel that most part of my life is a failed attempt...
only that i personally make it or bluff myself that it was achievement...
honestly wad haf i done in my past 18 years?
now if someone asked me that i really dun noe how to answer that...
cant tell them i made it thru sec sch... i didn't even do well even when i shld haf...
guess i'd say either i'm lucky i manage to get in poly
then think back... even in my uniform group, did i really on my own strength climb the ranks?
cant proof that now that i'm out and did not continue to pursue further...
well some times i really wonder... am i better off dead?
i mean like wad am i good for?
feeling so unclear of my own path...
maybe i shld juz walk the path where people direct u where to go and wad to do...
dunno lah...

beside looking thru things i also worked out again at home...
pull-up(supported), chin-up(supported), push up, sit up, sqats..
all the more i feel i'm weak... guess i'll always be that fat boy from the past?
kept telling myself... take it slow, pick up the pace slowly...
but the more i do... the more i feel disappointed...
when i did sit up... everytime i came up my back felt this sharp pain...
i really wondered why and when did i actuclly hurt my back...
zzz why...
ohwell no pain no gain... kept pushing...
maybe i'd overcome it...

now a days theres more and more things i doubt...
the things i believed in slowly fading away...
wads this world coming to?
is everything revolving around money all all that crap.?

hahaz ya noe one of the tots that went thru my mind this morning... was...
maybe the reason why she left was becoz of the way i think and the things i believed?

i guess one way to get away from all this... is to kill my feelings and emotions?
set ur goals and go for it
ya noe my ideal world revolves around principles, ideals, feelings, reason, cant think of the exect word to express it...
the more i see people helping others for the sake of themself, disgust me...
frens who became ur frens become theres sumtin they can get off ya...
or those who juz say only... but then deep in ur own ur own...
if i could i'd return to the past where people treasure and uphold things that now a days dun exist...
watched a show... it said, words like justice, and anything that wif it... is juz a cover to personal gain or greed...
are humans really savaged ever since they are created? well of coz i noe theres a few different people around... so i shall not offend them by judging everyone the same...hmmm i shldn't even be judging at all...

hmmm i think i weent way off topic le.... nvm....
juz needed to get those off me...

on the record...i for one... will nv leave my frens or anyone who deserve my help stranded...
be it u treat me the same or not...
i'd still do wad i can to help....

so tired...
if i could, i'd juz dream in an endless slp...
william

on the side note... i still cant seem to slp...
am i truely addicted to drinking?
hmmm cant be i alrady lived 3 days in a row without it le...(i mean since the last time i touched it)
well taking a glass or 2 really does help slp...
but my frens dun like it neither does my dad...
and becoz of that juz that alone... i refrain from doing it...

8:42 AM