-i'm.SO.miss-understood. -shikayeproductions.
Sigh....
navigations are the words.
This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.
+ Cheng Wee Chuan William
+ Yu Neng Primary School
+ Bedok South Secondary School
+ Ngee Ann Polytechnic
+ Republic of Singapore Navy
+ zazooosg@hotmail.com
+ 08/10/1989
+ Libra
Sunday, May 30, 2010
wad is the purpose of my existence? the reason for being alive? i ask myself that everyday and nite. i always tell myself some reason or excuse..but how true are they?
so far ojt has been good, learned alot of stuff... i do miss my frens though
miss the times we had tgt...
anyway few more weeks to go only...
haha i think i really am begining to be interested in a certain someone...
but well honestly i doubt it end up as anything.
i always get myself in situation like that.
oh well lets not let things get out of hand and ruin relation and things.
focus on work...
well i guess i have low self esteem, and i lost faith in feelings.. i feel just like a lost soul. i am not happy even though there are things to be happy about.
i'm searching for sumtin that is missing that i am not sure wad is it that is lost.
i did a facebook test the other day, it say i am suffering from depression.
but am i? i do feel that way, but then physically i am not. i make sure i;m not.
i make sure i do my work no matter how i feel.
i am responsible for the people i sworn to protect. i cant let my feelings affect that.
right now i am even forcing myself to control my mood. i try not to let wad i feel show. whether is it love, hate sad or depress..
can someone be suffering from depression and not show it?
i cant sleep, i like drinking to rid the soberness off my mind, i whack my body so hard that it hurts for days. i go out spend like crazy just to make myself happy...i talk to myself in my head...i get random mood swings.
honestly i dunno wad i am good for...
it no wonder why she left me.
i was nothing to begin with and i am nothing now even though her very words changed me to who i am today.
haha i'm just crappinh.. haha...
better go and slp or try....
william
9:00 AM
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ojt seems to be a good thing to be happening now. it kinda keeps me occupied most of the time. when ever i staart to feel cranky i just need to remind myself wad is it i need to do here, why am i doing my job. it is becoz i work that others may sleep in peace at nite. might sound abit corny or bulshit, but somehow its true also looking at other country like kuwait etc... well but still i feels there something missing in my life, i still feel most of the people around me dun really give a shit bout me. its like i could just be ignored from all the rest of the world. but this time round i guess i did improved abit, not letting wad i think affect most part of how i feel. its like no oint showing people ur upset when people dun even give a shit when ir alrite. they got their own group of people they are more interested in. well like i always say human emotions and tots are a complex issue. i guess i can say i really lost faith in all those things. not that i dun wan them its just i guesss maybe its just not meant for people like me. still i do hope to experience wad i see others have. guess for now i'll just make do with wad i have...
today i'm brining eva to the navy open hse. and i'm sitting at subway for an hour now. shes still not here... sigh...
lately theres a person they i kept thinking about. more and more especially now that we work at different place. sometime i wish i could work the same place as her. she kinda makes me feel comfortable. well but i guess people like her aren't really into people like me. shes got so many people into her. and she still clinging onto an old flame, haha maybe i'm just thinkiong too much... shes a very good fren of mine, not the nicest but one of the best. glad to have met her. hope she gets well from her injury and enjoy life like shhe always wans to.
william
back to reality again...
5:46 PM
Friday, May 14, 2010
things had been improving.. but somehow i ask myself if i am lieing to myself?
i prevent myself from updating.. so as not to give myself negative tots..
but in reality.. everyone is self centred sub consciously... they can say they noe how u feel and all,.. but ion actucal fact they dunreally give a shit...
only when they force themself to remember u that they do wad they say....
all i wanted was a friday of fun... i get people saying i emo... people telling me to quit myn drinking life.. and that she drink for socialise only...
kinda makes me feel like i just dun have any social life...
wadever.. all i wanted was company and fun just like u... unlike u i dun have that many frens... and i;m not that too friendly.. anyway u dun notice but i do... honestly wad am i to u? nothing... go stick to ur buddies brandon or tall or who ever.
haiz... i feel like crap... probably dun mean wadever i type but just like shit...
finish cans after cans of beer.. and a bottle of baileys... its not helping... i wan a smoke but i dun have any.... haiz... wtf... wth am i really here for...
everything needs peer evaluatioon.. i probabkly flung everyone of it now... i;m so messed up.... haiz...from today one i will not bother u all anymore...
fuck it if i have depression.. if i;m sucidal... its just me the world moves on...
not like anyone of u gioves a shiot...
7:28 AM
Saturday, May 08, 2010
lately life alittle better, i guess if u really try to control ya tots it somehow become better in its own sense.
couple of days back was feeling very depress about myself especially after revising my work with my instructor. i felt like i noe nothing even after so many value added trainings. i felt like i am really worthless.. i didn;t feel like talking to anyone, i just shut up and kept to myself and blasting music in my ears and kept studying. well i guess my buddy jill knows that i felt depress, help me scan for lunch and even lend me her book she wanted to pass to me since ffdc. it was a book about slowing down my life. well i read a couple of chapters, its somewhat interesting and yet hard to believe.
i finished the test but merely passed. i guess i didn;t work hard enuff.. but well i did tried so i guess theres nothing to be sad about, just have to do better.
went for my class 2a pract 1 with jill ytd. it was fun. the more i ride it the more i wan a 2a bikez. hopefully today she is sober enuff to ride. i guessed something happen to her ytd. saw her facebook status. well i guess me being an outsider of her life cant really expect her to tell me anything, but i hope shes alrite. well i'm there for her if she ever needs, i never let a fren down. well sometimes i do wish i was like brandon and the rest where she can easily just talk and share things.. but guess i'm not.
alrite i'm going shower and heading to ssdc again le. hopefully jills awake le.
4:27 PM
Monday, May 03, 2010
sadly i feel i am no meant o be in this world. why am i trying to hard to juz be positive when the things i see is so negative. i'm always lieing with myself with logic of others just to ague that i;m wrong.
in my life majority of people only thinks of me or remember or even contact me when they need something from me. other than that who the hell gives a shit bout a bulky clumsy fat good for nothing piece of crap like me? its not like any of them will give a shit or cry for me when i collapse and die? the only people who cared most probably i hope is family.
i keep getting random moodswings like on and off.. and lately thanks of i cant fall asleep properly. i get it worst. i'm always trying to be fucking nice to people doing good deeds and all..
haiz i fuk up again... i said stoopid things to people when i'm drunk and this time it duk up real bad... i really didn;t mean it. i deserve to die.
8:22 AM
Sunday, May 02, 2010
if thoughts and feelings could have a meter, mine would be fluctuating end to end.
woke up today, first thing i did was to set my day telling myself i shall for once be very very positive. i did house work, a bit of study, exercise and all...
somehow its quite hard to maintain leh. worst when u seeing people around ya emoing.
jills emoing, probably quarrel with bf or wad, my other frens also liddat. work lah, frens lah, or even jus pissed off the world is like that. all kinds of things. so okie i maintain my stand, i go around trying to just give positive remarks when needed. somehow the enviroment always gets ya. ya minds start to run and next thing u noe, ur back to square one. oh well least physically i'm okie. least the world wont notice. people dun really give a shit, they only act like they do. then behind ya they'll just say things. so wadever it is ur happy or unhappy the only true person that noes wad ur feeling and u dun have to say a word is ur self. people tell me if i keep bottling up i'll get depression. who knows maybe i already am. but i surpassed it? people are only depress if they feel that way, act that way and the whole world see them that way. cant u have a person feeling depress but yet becoz he understand his place and responsibility he maintain himself least on the outside?
well i'll continue to be positive, or just keeping trying.
i see things around me, made me think alot and feel alot.
i see things or people, i ask myself why am i not the one having them but watching other people have them? hahaz such questions will only kill u in the end.
but cant help it. alot of time i feel like i'm not meant to be here. maybe my past live i did sumtin wrong and i'm here to go thru feeling like crap? haha..
oh well like i always tell people. life goes on no matter wad.
william! william... dun think so much... i really hope those who say they understands me and wad i'm thinking or going thru, hope they really do. why do i still feel alone?
william
8:47 AM
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Woke up today feeling like i had a car crash into my head...
sigh...i messed up again. lost control myself while partying letting my inner demons get the better of me. Doing things that troubles the people around me. WILLIAM YOU GOT TO HOLD URSELF TGT!...
Ytd i left work very early, after lunch we all head back. Was very bored at home as usual, did some workout. by the evening, i went out to meet my navy chaps and had a gathering with my army couterparts. All was well, there was me, jill, gerry, jc, tecky and his gf, yak and eugene.
Had dinner at bugis area, followed by drinking session at Amber21. All was well till i messed up. which i cant even remember when. i think i did alot of foolish, childish irritating and annoying things. my memories of them is very blurred. only remmeber bits and pieces. Well i think i really have to watch myself. since the moment i decide to change, i try not to let out everything to the people around me less they get annoyed and start to outcast or dislike me.. which i think they already feel like doing. well cant say i'm sad but neither am i truely happy. guess its about living and feeling. physical and emotional?
i did remember one point though. was a very familiar feeling, both comforting and warming. its like a very calm feeling. at the point where i was very agitated, i felt someone holding me down not in a violently way but comforting. its like someone giving u a pat on the back letting u noe they give a shit bout ya and they dun wan me to do sumtin foolish to hurt myself. i did remember holding the person hand not wanting to let go, its like u found something comforting and u noe if its gone ya probably wont get it again. it reminded me of a certain someone, who used to give me that feeling. used to, till she turned my world upside down. i woke up today thinking that was a dream, but i'm very sure it was real. well i know maybe i shldn't have, but still i wanna say thank you to the person. even for a short time, it felt good to noe someone cared.
well i wanna apologise to my frens, all of them... i messed up again.. i kept messing up.. i am trying not to. pls dun condemn me. i wont let it happen again.
well as of now, i will make a stand to change myself. keep trying..
i will set my priorities straight, no matter wad happen, to exercise self control over my emotions. i will not act up upon my feelings, or burden my frens around me with my whining, unhappiness or mood swings. all this comes from me and i will keep them in me and not let it affect the things around me.
i wan a fresh start but i really dun noe how. someone pls guide me. tell me wad shld i do.
next week i've got 2 exams coming up. i guess my first step is to start preparing for it? do wads important and keep myself occupied.
sometimes i see things and people others have, i wan one too. i wish i have one too. hahaz but i guess a person like me dun derserve to have them, if there was a god, i'd probably be out of his grace, abandoned and left out. for the things i said and done. guess i'm not wad they say i am.. for now i just wish my frens wont abandon me for all the things i messed up..
william
8:24 AM