This is my own space to let it out. especially when theres no one to talk to that true understands or try to understand me.
+ Cheng Wee Chuan William
+ Yu Neng Primary School
+ Bedok South Secondary School
+ Ngee Ann Polytechnic
+ Republic of Singapore Navy
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
u noe i honestly nv tot i'd be back here again. well least here its my private space. i doubt anyone out there can find me here. no one i noe, noes how to. well i do up these searches and trace about them, monitor when they left an opening for me to see. well some might call me a stalker. but all in all i;m not.
i shld stop flooding wad i think and feel in facebook or to my frens, even frens who understood me. we used to talk everything under the sun anytime. but now, i guess last time was just becoz i was down. and she as a fren wanted to help me up and now i sort of mess it up thanks to me putting feelings into her goodwill. oh well i shall cut it. as i did be4, such things aint meant for me. i just hope things can become back to last time. now hardly can talk, she also dun wanna tell me things anymore. who to blame? me! i overreact, i mess up and fuck up alot. and people just get tired of me. so i from now on i shall just focus on wads important and fuck the rest. the world dun need to noe if i wanna die tml. which of coz i wont. such things only i noe myself well. works not going well, but i;m trying. learning things that i almost got no back ground in. sucks... sometimes i just wanna be alone, even though i hate it. now a days i find it hard to trust people. i look at them, their smile, the things they say another part of me is always arguing that its not real. well i shall just confine all my feelings and tots here and not let it flow out to anyone. anyway theres no one. i got fren who everytime we talk sure got logic about r/s. i;m trying to learn pass it but ur adding more salt to the already cut wound. i got my best bro busy with work, call me to tell me a few things, and when i wanna tell him things he needa slp. he always tells me one day we'll meet but till now we hardly. cant blame him... work is work. his still my brother. basically theres close to no one to talk to, to express my feeling good and bad. my tots. people dun understand me. they think they do but they dun... and they are makin me very stress and confuse. wad am i doing am i doing it right or wrong. they dun wanna explain to me. well i;m just gonna do wad i think i shld do.. if u dun like it i dun give a fuck. i;m here to do my job and i will get it done. i wanna become an officer.. and no fucks gonna stop me. ima proof i got wad it takes. leadership... who say an emo or a psychopath can be a good leader. leadership is groom not born. i just wan work to go well, i wan frens. and i wan my head to be clear... i hear myself telling me things. is that normal? lol maybe its just wad they always tell me.. thinking too much...
i'm pretty happy today bout TP and dinner. ima try slp... from today on i will write wad i feel here. i will not mood swing, or overreact in front of people. i will swallow even if its against me. bite the bullet and smile. telling myself its all gonna be well.
william. wish me luck.
Friday, June 04, 2010
When i was a kid i wanted wings to fly away free, i felt the world was holding me back. now i got my wings i found out the tat i couldn't really fly.
ojt has been tiring, so many things to learn. i'm lucky tat my ship crew is pretty nice and gave us very structured training. i felt as trainee we could have been better. Still there are ups and downs. i worked so hard but i couldn't deliver. in the end i still got shoot by my own frens that i work so hard while he slack we still get the samme result. i think i'm really useless. cant even do my job well, even my personal life. my head iis in a mess. well i guess i shld just keep wadever i feel here, its not like anyone out there would care, most just say. plus i dun wanna trouble them anyway some time i just feel so alone here. everyone got their own little world not me. guess its all my fault that i became like this. i dun noe wads wrong with me. i cant sleep, i feel sad everyday, i feel like i'm alone, i'm useless. i just kept telling myself tml will be better. or just do wad ya need to do. maybe i'm meant to be like tat. dun understand why am i not happy. i'll just continue to smile and perform in work and outside here. no one noes or understands me. or simply no one bothered.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
wad is the purpose of my existence? the reason for being alive? i ask myself that everyday and nite. i always tell myself some reason or excuse..but how true are they?
so far ojt has been good, learned alot of stuff... i do miss my frens though miss the times we had tgt... anyway few more weeks to go only...
haha i think i really am begining to be interested in a certain someone... but well honestly i doubt it end up as anything. i always get myself in situation like that. oh well lets not let things get out of hand and ruin relation and things.
focus on work... well i guess i have low self esteem, and i lost faith in feelings.. i feel just like a lost soul. i am not happy even though there are things to be happy about. i'm searching for sumtin that is missing that i am not sure wad is it that is lost. i did a facebook test the other day, it say i am suffering from depression. but am i? i do feel that way, but then physically i am not. i make sure i;m not. i make sure i do my work no matter how i feel. i am responsible for the people i sworn to protect. i cant let my feelings affect that. right now i am even forcing myself to control my mood. i try not to let wad i feel show. whether is it love, hate sad or depress.. can someone be suffering from depression and not show it? i cant sleep, i like drinking to rid the soberness off my mind, i whack my body so hard that it hurts for days. i go out spend like crazy just to make myself happy...i talk to myself in my head...i get random mood swings. honestly i dunno wad i am good for... it no wonder why she left me. i was nothing to begin with and i am nothing now even though her very words changed me to who i am today. haha i'm just crappinh.. haha...
better go and slp or try....
Saturday, May 22, 2010
ojt seems to be a good thing to be happening now. it kinda keeps me occupied most of the time. when ever i staart to feel cranky i just need to remind myself wad is it i need to do here, why am i doing my job. it is becoz i work that others may sleep in peace at nite. might sound abit corny or bulshit, but somehow its true also looking at other country like kuwait etc... well but still i feels there something missing in my life, i still feel most of the people around me dun really give a shit bout me. its like i could just be ignored from all the rest of the world. but this time round i guess i did improved abit, not letting wad i think affect most part of how i feel. its like no oint showing people ur upset when people dun even give a shit when ir alrite. they got their own group of people they are more interested in. well like i always say human emotions and tots are a complex issue. i guess i can say i really lost faith in all those things. not that i dun wan them its just i guesss maybe its just not meant for people like me. still i do hope to experience wad i see others have. guess for now i'll just make do with wad i have...
today i'm brining eva to the navy open hse. and i'm sitting at subway for an hour now. shes still not here... sigh... lately theres a person they i kept thinking about. more and more especially now that we work at different place. sometime i wish i could work the same place as her. she kinda makes me feel comfortable. well but i guess people like her aren't really into people like me. shes got so many people into her. and she still clinging onto an old flame, haha maybe i'm just thinkiong too much... shes a very good fren of mine, not the nicest but one of the best. glad to have met her. hope she gets well from her injury and enjoy life like shhe always wans to.
william back to reality again...
Friday, May 14, 2010
things had been improving.. but somehow i ask myself if i am lieing to myself?
i prevent myself from updating.. so as not to give myself negative tots..
but in reality.. everyone is self centred sub consciously... they can say they noe how u feel and all,.. but ion actucal fact they dunreally give a shit...
only when they force themself to remember u that they do wad they say....
all i wanted was a friday of fun... i get people saying i emo... people telling me to quit myn drinking life.. and that she drink for socialise only... kinda makes me feel like i just dun have any social life... wadever.. all i wanted was company and fun just like u... unlike u i dun have that many frens... and i;m not that too friendly.. anyway u dun notice but i do... honestly wad am i to u? nothing... go stick to ur buddies brandon or tall or who ever.
haiz... i feel like crap... probably dun mean wadever i type but just like shit...
finish cans after cans of beer.. and a bottle of baileys... its not helping... i wan a smoke but i dun have any.... haiz... wtf... wth am i really here for...
everything needs peer evaluatioon.. i probabkly flung everyone of it now... i;m so messed up.... haiz...from today one i will not bother u all anymore...
fuck it if i have depression.. if i;m sucidal... its just me the world moves on...
not like anyone of u gioves a shiot...
Saturday, May 08, 2010
lately life alittle better, i guess if u really try to control ya tots it somehow become better in its own sense.
couple of days back was feeling very depress about myself especially after revising my work with my instructor. i felt like i noe nothing even after so many value added trainings. i felt like i am really worthless.. i didn;t feel like talking to anyone, i just shut up and kept to myself and blasting music in my ears and kept studying. well i guess my buddy jill knows that i felt depress, help me scan for lunch and even lend me her book she wanted to pass to me since ffdc. it was a book about slowing down my life. well i read a couple of chapters, its somewhat interesting and yet hard to believe.
i finished the test but merely passed. i guess i didn;t work hard enuff.. but well i did tried so i guess theres nothing to be sad about, just have to do better.
went for my class 2a pract 1 with jill ytd. it was fun. the more i ride it the more i wan a 2a bikez. hopefully today she is sober enuff to ride. i guessed something happen to her ytd. saw her facebook status. well i guess me being an outsider of her life cant really expect her to tell me anything, but i hope shes alrite. well i'm there for her if she ever needs, i never let a fren down. well sometimes i do wish i was like brandon and the rest where she can easily just talk and share things.. but guess i'm not.
alrite i'm going shower and heading to ssdc again le. hopefully jills awake le.
Monday, May 03, 2010
sadly i feel i am no meant o be in this world. why am i trying to hard to juz be positive when the things i see is so negative. i'm always lieing with myself with logic of others just to ague that i;m wrong.
in my life majority of people only thinks of me or remember or even contact me when they need something from me. other than that who the hell gives a shit bout a bulky clumsy fat good for nothing piece of crap like me? its not like any of them will give a shit or cry for me when i collapse and die? the only people who cared most probably i hope is family.
i keep getting random moodswings like on and off.. and lately thanks of i cant fall asleep properly. i get it worst. i'm always trying to be fucking nice to people doing good deeds and all..
haiz i fuk up again... i said stoopid things to people when i'm drunk and this time it duk up real bad... i really didn;t mean it. i deserve to die.