its ben really really long, and i guess the people who kept reading my blog probably tot its dead... good thats wad i wanted. some private space for me to flood my tots.
its so fuking frustrating... one bad fell and it fuking ruin my friday and probably sat too... fuk... went all the way down to haf some fucker to order me home or he'll charge me.. worst thing was cant he had put it nicely? like my mdm? its bad enuff i feel like a handicap. i felt i could go on, who is he to say otherwise. honestly i feeling damn rebelious, but noeing the fuck that i am a soldier, i take pride being one. i noe wad i can do and wad i cant even though i wan to. i take instructions whether i like it or not. as long as its lawful. Fuking hell paid 80 dollars for it. waited weeks for it. just to had it all ruined. was hoping to haf some time tgt with my batch gals and boys. some proper chill time. i'm already losing my edge blowing my mind. losing focus... trying my best to keep up. maintain top 2 positions. i already failed. now i go to class feeling like a failure... wad would my superior say after the knockout performance i had be4 i came. they probably think i slacken off.. it probably cost my chance at going degreee and going up me4 even though my name is still in it. its probably just me, i feel my life abit in a mess.. dunno how to go about sorting it. theres juz so many tots.... honestly i'm feeling just like a fren of mine, emo everyday.... but i cant let that show can i? i got a job to do...
i wake up feeling like shit, thru out the day try to make it better it doesn;t really seem to work anyway. honestly i cant even haf a proper conversation in camp. everytime i try to talk, its either the things i talk about they dun noe, not interested or i'm ignored whether on purpose or not. its probably just me. sometimes i really think i'm meant to really be alone. i haf to deal with it. i got plenty of frens.. loads of them, but who actuclly noes me? not more than a handful. i try my best to noe people. but it always turns out wrong. i got people treating me like a bank, people taking advantage of my good will. i feel fuking pissed off but i just couldn;t vent it out. this world is one selfish son of a bitch. people only say things u wanna hear. but how many they mean it? i wonder. everyone is selfish.. admi it... theres only a handful of really nice people. who stubbornly goes around helping when he himself cant really help... i ask myself.. why? ya noe when i was a kid, i always tell myself i wanna be the good guy, helping others at my own good will, trouble myself to ease others problem. stuff like that. but i think i read too much or watch too much fairy tales. in the end its still u alone. came into the world with nothing but urself i probably leave it alone too. i feel fuking fucked up...
fuk it i'm gonna throw my crutches into the storeroom, i'm gonna self heal like i always been doing. i dun believe by tml i cant run... been thru worst...honestly i think next week i;m gonna be in a fuking bad mood....worst than wad i always been....
life is a shit hole.... with a few cosmetic here and there...
end
been a while....
recently been stream to my vocation, entered JRC phase, lifes a little better(less colors and eme not forgeting row call)
today is my first wed in JRC, my first liberty... or in normal term nights out..
had plans for it...
but it all washed down to nothing at all...
dunno is sianed o pissed off...
wad i'm doing now i could haf brought laundry home to wash and dry and iron and bring back... or juz stay in camp rest or sumtin...
forget it...
i think i'm gonna fall sick soon, body getting warm... having mild prolonged headaches.
feeling uneasy after meals... got to take care of myself.
lately i feel like i'm being ignored by people...
maybe i shld cut down on the correcting the facts of others. or simply talk less see more.. i find u'll learn alot more that way.
and also.. my new bunkmates.. half the lot is lazy.. and most cant square out their bunks after waking up. they tend to wake up late. dunno how to say this but doesn't seem to be my type of clicks. we dun fight or dun get along.. its juz the feeling is different. hahaz miss my old cabin mates. the cabin where alot of the prominent people of the bmt cohort.
lessons gonna start time to kick start my brain to work again...
and got to train for ippt next year liao.. went runnig and i find all the junk food is killing me...
gtg...
william
130609 Saturday
POP day!~
Honestly i never taught this day would come. I remember the day when i enlist into BMT in IMOS on 130409. When i enlisted, it was 3 days to the previous batch (04/08) POP day, on their POP day i sat there at the gallery watching as they paraded down the parade square and end it with the throwing of their beret. That day i asked myself, when will it be my turn although i know its juz a mere 3 months be4 its my turn. 3 months in BMT, been thru blood and sweat from a selfish self centered company to a BMT 01/09 that incorporate "HIT" (honor, integrity and TEAMWORK). According to some, we'r the ones that made everyone proud setting the standard. our 3 months here we achieved so much to show case to the rest of TRACOM. although there were times when we failed and crash and burn, from bad to worst. but many thanks to our instructors for not giving up on us no matter how much crap we put them thru and also for protecting us when we screw up.
Today, we all woke up all excited to put up a good show for an event that was going to be once in our lifetime, the event that we probably gonna remember for many years down the road. siting at the victory hall waiting for all the guest and loved ones to settle down was the most agitated moment. everyone was afraid of screwing up everyone wants to put a good show. why is that so?
Because days be4 POP, we kept screwing up so badly that we failing the vatting by our 2 IC. it was so bad that they we'r thinking about cancelling all the extra things.everyone was in an all time low but our teamwork pulled thru. we all worked hard and we actuclly succeeded. looking at the videos my parent took. i myself am amaze that we actuclly performed so close to perfection.
the drill team, the most stress team i'd say. by the end of our performance, my sgt in charge was jumping with joy. we did the impossible and made it all happen.
a little flashback regarding the drill team.
originally selected based on drill proficiency test results, however with some opting out we had to mix others into the group. started out slow, couldn't do most of the things slowly working tgt. challenging ourself with harder and harder formations and moves. doing things that the other batch failed to do. we stressed till the very last day deciding the music and pace to work with. settled with 2 groupd march in criss cross cutting down our rifles juz nice be4 smacking into each other, and some static drills followed by a marching move that is quite hard especially when in such short time. most people would march in a single file or a cross. we chose to march in a "Y" formation. Now u may say its easy, but in a Y formation, u cant see or guage the person or dressing around u thus having to trust each other and one mind and one move to get it thru. ending we march into 2 file facing eaching other doing a waved like sequence throwing our rifles and doing drilles ending juz nice with every pair shooting up their rifles, spin it down and back up. we wanted a fancy ending but my sgt said this" if all those u do it with perfection, a simple march off the audience would already go crazy without all the extra ending. and guess wad? he was right! I'm so proud of my drill team, unofficially the wonderboys.
now more flashback about the moments in BMT that i rmrmeber deeply.
came in PTP, work so hard till my body aches and breaks. but by BMT it all becames easy when our bodies are conditioned to handle all the stress.but new challenege arise, discipline matters, personal grudges, living up to expectation and passing test. a few example is duing the last week of our confinement week, our OC came down to do rounds and with our standard that time, where everyone cared only abou their own bunk, ended with 9 different standard in one level. in the end our OC forced us to come up with 6 casualty. there we learned teamwork. putting ourself aside and looking to do as a whole.
other than that there are also alot alot of small moments that i dunno how to write it out here but i am sure i'll keep it close to me at all times.
i wanna say many thanks to all our instructors. also hope they enjoyed OC nite! sgt kent and his wondergirls dance!, sir chang and his recruit clone lol. etc etc. many thanks to my bunk mate and of cuz my division, the best divison of 01/09!~ CHALLENGER! "AH WHOO!"
i guess i'll never make it to POP with out all of them. i noe i'll miss those days. i'll keep in mind all the things i learned from my sirs and sgt. they made me a new person. seeing and working differently.
to anyone going in soon, i hope ur BMT will be as meaningful as mine. keep in mind, " be thankingful for tough training. for it is because of tough training that in future u got sumtin to tell and remember of." always work tgt as a team, u wont make it alone. take everything in good light. no matter how pissed off u get remember the instructors dun like doing things to u either. imagine when u POP, all that happen to them is restart back to new greenhorns immediately. be thankful!~ gain as much from it as possible!.
william logging off.
lately i let my temper get the better side of me alot of time...
i guess my temper isn't exectly very good. i get pissed of with people quite easily.. its juz most of the time i keep telling myself its not worth blowing my head for..
for instance i get pissed off with people who when lesson being taught, dun focus and pay attention and when test come all desperately come ask this and that.. and wad makes me more pissed of is.. i can nv turn down a plea, it irritate me if i cant help the person out 100%, but in a short time to teach them things is like almost impossible... and this kinda things always makes me feel people is taking me for granted lol.
so far bmt is quickly coming towards the end, another milestone of my life is coming to an end soon, the entire week i'm damn sick and shag... went for alot of important lesson. such as range and chemical defense etc, its all quite fun and quite and experience. fun not exactly easy though lol. as for my range, my theory and my IMT was almost perfect but my live range i screwed up =(.. haiz.. history repeats. back in ncc it was like that too.
weee i lost weigth again =) damn happy...
enuff bout those...
ytd when i book out was suppose to meet my bunk people for sushi...
they say met 3pm, the lot of them came at close to 5...
i happily jio my dear fren for lunch wait for them till i sianz...
coz i meeting martin and grp at 7.
in the end i meet my bunk people but i nv eat , then i head over meet martin and grp for dinner. after dinner, they psycho me to watch NATM2, jio my dear fren along.
its a very nice show =) sweet too. looking at some scene i kinda had some self tot.
lately this months got alot of nice show to watch. =)
in a few moment gonna go bookin le, wonder wads in stall this week.
been sick and still sick but hopefully heal by tml, coz i really dun wan get status.
but if its needed i'll go see the MO, else my dear fren will kill me and ignore me liao LOL.
hahaz ya noe, i noetice throughout alot of my post i always talk about my dear fren. sometimes i wonder wad will life be without her. shes like the one i rant to, talk to, hang out. she hears me out every night in camp, the one i meet for meals when i book out. juz wanna say a very big thank you! =) dunno wad i'll do without u =D
going o0ff le
william
blogging again even though at thwe moment my head is practically spinning like mad....
will try to ton till 6.,30 to wakie wakie my dear fren up for work, wonmt wan her to be late for work will i?
anyqway todsay is the day to book in after a long weekend.. witch sucks.... honestly who like to get screwed in camp rite? but for me i look forward.. not tjat i'm sadistic.. juz sometimes being outside i feel alone... thank goodness today for the fun we had drinking to our hearts content. i thank my dear fren for spending time with me. with all her problems i wish i could do moe but as a very good fren i can only be around to render support as and when she needs it. =) i'll always loook out ya back alrite. had a joplly good time toiday... zzz damn hard to type when ur finger aren;t responding wad the brain ask it to do.. but oh well make do... drank like mad...
as always i always had things walled up in my heart.. dun care wad others think about them,.. i juz feel good letting loose after a good nite of drinking... drinks bring people tgt. letting the inner self talk... but too much can harm....
to my dear fren who noes me so well.. she noes i'm always going thru allt his crap and nitemare.. but she noes i always handle them so well not affecting my daily life. i'm juz glad shes always or mostly around for me. shes like a girlfren without all the relationship liabilities, someone who cares for me like she care for a family. i really appreciate that. juz remember to take good care of urself alrite. =)
honestly if ur missing from my life. i'll feel like my life juz lost anothe big piece. =) hope u noe wad ipm talkng about.. i noe u definately noe wad i;m talking about even without me saying.
=)
take care and meet up again.
many thx to my bunk mates too =) see ya all 2045 later.
william.
miserable, but feeling great now, with a really good fren around him.
080509 long weekend again
back home again, evening plan all canceled... kinda suxs...
lately been suffering from very bad saw throat and cough.
mood kinda going down by the day also. although mentally pressing very hard to garang.
every passing day, i seem to be getting more and more alone.
seems to me like slowly i'm like left out of everyone.
cant really blame anyone or anything, everyone got their on commitment.
i cant expect them to stand by me thru my life rite.
but looking at where i stand now i really wonder, wad i done so far in my life,
wad and where i stand among my peers. am i really wad they tell me or am i something else.?
ya noe my phonebook is getting lesser and lesser, and worst, the majority of them no long contact me anyway. lol kinda sad eh?
then even in camp, i'm good with everyone but how close am i to them. even my buddy.
yes, i haf my click, but its like we'r juz enjoying each others empty company.
i wonder, is there something wrong with my attitude? sometimes i juz feel so alone, i prefer to be left alone, watching things go by around me. seeing everyone making their calls everynite, where i juz stare into my phone wonder who can i call.
whats the point of becoming fit,strong, street smart, wise when everything is juz myself only rite? hahaz all this seems to be negative self talk/tots. in a lesson i had lately regarding stress its a symtom, now i ask, am i stress? i dun think so.. well all this been inside me for a long time, juz so far able to get away from them.
it always come back to find me. sometimes i juz think of my future.
zzz enuff with all this negative tots.
a little bit on the things i been thru.
first aid, lots of test paper. and not to forget, a talk by commander regarding the navy day incident, not exectly a big thing but the things he brought up made me thinking alot. its about personal responsibility, personal best, pride. i do agree with wad he mention, if u step in to the parade u dun fall out. if u are not well dun participate. if u wan in, u see it thru. its like in war or in mission, once ur in u finish it by hook or by crook. but then i believe we shld not comprimise safety too. so far all my training i haf been pushing although most of the time get fucked for things i did not do. i only fall out once, and it sucks, everyone look at me like i'm useless or chao geng. its sucks..
well i'm not exectly in a good mood... but not saying its bad...
juz i suddenly feeling shutting myself to myself only..
i'll end here..
back to rotting alone listening to music...
william
aircon spoil..... sucks
050509 Tuesday
Today is Navy Day, so we get to booked out around 1200h, in the morning,things were pretty relax, everyone was busy with things, while we recruits won't involve in anything. well its not exactly a bad thing but then, i kinda wonder its the navy day and we are also part of the navy although we have not finish our BMT. In the afternoon, there were suppose to be games, by the time we march there it was almost halfway. Best thing, we got to stand there by the side watching, luckily they allowed us to sit later on, after not long we were asked to march back, they wanted to let us out earlier. woohoo...honestly lately mood hasn't been very good. alot of things kinda irritated me, some people really pisses me off. i really hate people who comment so much and complain so much but is incapable of doing things. they say it like as if things are so easily done, but when asked to do it or take charge all their balls dropped. and when forced to do things, they do it like crap. hoenstly its becoz of them i got saw throat every fucking week. losing my voice everyday. i wake up every morning with a throat so dry so painful. yes i noe i have the experience to lead to time to do things, but hey i'm human, everyone is human, i cant sustain it 24/7 for everyday....only people who been in the IC position understands wad i'm saying... so if any of u here is reading... if u dun wanna take charge, least u can do is make it a little easier for the people taking charge, do things quietly and properly and not forgetting fast. if u think theres a better way to do things, suggest it up nicely. not swear at the person in front.!
enuff with that...
today although booked up, i end up being alone again. well cant blame anyone though, its a weekday and everyone is working. but it kinda sucks.. =P damn man sometime i really wish i got someone to be by my side when i need them, someone who thinks about me not only when they need me. maybe i juz need some company.. lately my dear fren also been a little strange, i wonder is she alrite? well dunno why, but when i called her, i hear her, i can tell shes like super tired, sounds like not juz physically tired but like troubled by things. i hope things work out, and if ya need i'll be here for ya alrite. dun worry bout troubling me alrite, wad are frens for rite, plus to me ur somewhat an important fren to me, so ur problems is my problems okie. last but not least dun overwork urself okie, knowing ya, when ur stressed out, bored or even troubled u tend to juz chiong work. we shld go haf coffee or sumtin or even dessert! its been a long while. well even though i'm in camp, i do spend some time and tot thinking bout my frens. be it they do the same for me or not =D thats juz me.
talking bout frens i wonder hows my poly mates doing. kinda miss them already. 3 years of close proximity, now suddenly i'm like so far from them. i miss those days when we fight, haf fun or even game tgt. dun forget me guys, we shld hang out sometimes in the weekend alrite! F6 plus the gals =)
gonna cherish the last few hours here relax in aircon and music, now listening to love story by taylor swift. gonna go study for basic trainfire package later. for tml paper.
gonna end here.
feeling damn lonely... =S
william.